Intense Intrusive thoughts in depressive episodes

CW: Venting, Intrusive thoughts; thoughts of self hatred, Sterotypes on sex/gender, etc.

Hello, I've never used 7 cups before despite making this when I was a teen in middle school. I decided I should try now that I am an adult even tho I have tried maybe one or twice the past two years.

Moving on the brief intro, has anyone struggled with intrusive thoughts while stuck in a depressive episode? I am going through a break up that has left me feeling every emotion there is but it's been over a week now and I'm now just stuck at the angry hatred phase and it's hard because a lot of my intrusive thoughts are comments about how awful of a partner I was and how they left me for tiny mistakes, they lost interest for someone else, and the main ones now are how I should give up for being stupid and still interacting with them and how they're always a societal stereotype of their asab (assigned sex at birth) for being *** and never being emotional and sincere about their feelings.

It gets tiring when it's constant negativity in my brain that I just wish it wasn't built like that from growing up to constant negative comments. I hate how my brain has developed to become this way and how hard for me to really get through a time of depression.

I'm still in communication with my ex partner but Its hard to go through it and have these thoughts about how they don't care about me and how unaffected they're feeling towards this breakup. I know they're going through it, I don't want to invalidate but it feels invalidating to me that I have to go through this break up that never should've happened. We communicated well after what we wanted and they saw how misunderstood that they came off at this breakup but wanted space alone still (they found out they're aromantic but we're both autistic and we had our own ways of representing love. It was just denial that they're feeling probably).

It sucks because I liked how healthy and communicative we were and how comfortable we were with each other and set boundaries whenever we needed. It hurts that someone that I used to love just turns into someone that pretends (what my brain made me believe) we never dated and we were just friends. It hurts so much seeing how this person loved me so much and never wanted to hurt just becoming like a whole different person that I don't believe that they're the same. We only dated for 4 months and I know that's nothing to feel attached for. The way the relationship was going was very promising and I hate how they changed so differently and they don't want to at least consider a relationship together again despite nothing going wrong with each other. It hurts because my reality is this way and how so cruel and unfair life is because I finally have someone so much like me and I gained to trust a lot and helped me improve was just meant to be temporary. I hated that so much, it makes me feel so frustrated and angry at them but I cannot. I still love them a lot and I want a relationship again but I'm slowly and slowly hating them because how my brain convinces me how *** they are. At the same time I know my true feelings are of love and respect for them.

I just cannot cope with how this relationship has ended and how I felt it was thrown away. It was treated like a 4 month free trial and then it's gone. I know they're not the only person for me but I still don't understand how someone can throw away a relationship that's so rare to have, especially to cherish it to make sure you never do that person wrong and ruin the relationship just to turn cold with a miserable feeling and bare communication til at night. It's the reason why I wonder what I did wrong and why this happened. I'm glad they still want to be friends with me but it hurts me so much because I never saw any signs of them losing feelings at all. They still love me but they feel they can't be in a relationship with me finding out they're aromantic. They know they can keep a relationship with someone as queer platonic partners but it was hard to communicate that to them because it just felt like I couldn't do anything to make them logically think right for the sake of the relationship. It felt like I was just talking to a brick wall.. it hurts.