Just barely functioning
I don't know how to explain to people in my life how bad it is right now. I don't know how to explain how I can mask long enough to just scrape by doing the bare minimum or how scared I am to lose that ability to at least get up and, say, feed the kids and take care of the animals.
I'm a divorced mom of two neurodivergent kids, and I'm neurodivergent myself (AuDHD) as well has having a long history with depression and (general) anxiety. I've been going through some stuff. I think my kids keep me going. But it's way easier to feed them than myself, you know? For myself, I can get to the end of the day having only had dry captain crunch and multiple cups of coffee and still can't tell if I'm hungry or not or why my stomach hurts.
My mom, being in her 70s herself and seeing me as her baby, offered for the kids and me to come stay with her (hundreds of miles away in another state and WITHOUT my 3 pets) for ... I don't know how long... because she's worried ill have a "nervous break" and go "catatonic" (boomer terms I suppose) so she's at least sort of understanding how I feel now that I told her I had to tell my clients I'm going to be gone 2 weeks trying to stabilize.
I'm poor, but I also lost my medicaid. So no insurance, no money for health care. I self-pay to see my psychiatrist every 6 months to maintain my current meds, but clearly the current meds aren't quite cutting it. But also I don't feel I can afford to change meds (and pay for all the extra appointments that would entail as they monitor and adjust dosages).
I feel alone, trapped, hopeless... 😔 I don't know. I don't know what I need or what to ask for. I'm just... trying everything. Apps, crisis hotline, asking therapists about sliding scale services... so far, I just... am adrift. I don't know. Sigh. 😢
@conscientiousShell9444
Thank you for your honesty, I can feel the pain behind the words. Wearing a mask all the time is so tiring, I know what you mean about hiding, your love for your kids allows you to be there for them, but it becomes habit, you are not eating much, not washing as often, not brushing your hair or your teeth, it slowly creeps in on you, to a point that you don't even kniw how long its been. You neglect yourself, and you have the amazing ability to be doing everything that needs to be done for your loved ones, to the point, it looks like you are doing well. Its exhausting, and it only prolongs the feelings of dread and negativity, take your mother up on that offer, do things you love for the two weeks, having a routine, prioritising your feelings and self care. It's been too long and you need to address it as hard as that might be, you are a great, loving, wonderful mother and you matter too 💜