Just need to say it out loud

15-20 years old. High school boyfriend So in love with him. Lost virginity to him.  He was perfect for the first 8 months and then mentally and sexually abused for the next 4 years straight. All of high school. Literally used me in every sense of the word. Would make me give him head in his truck. Would push my head down over and over so hard. My lips would bleed after because of how hard I had hard I had to keep them around my teeth. After I was done he would treat me like I was worthless. I loved how he treated me right before and that’s why I kept going back to him. I was holding onto the scraps of affection he would give me-like a dog. He pinned me down I don’t know how many times. I still remember the first time I got drunk. 16 years old. He was there. I threw up. He took me in the back of the house, told my friends he was going to take care of me. Brought me in the room told me to get on my knees, said that I was his b*tch and for me to suck his d*ck. And I did it. While I was crying. He knew I was so in love with him I would do whatever he said. 17 years old He left me at this party. I was the only girl there. Hot tub, Tequila and Jager. I remember nothing. I woke up face down. Could barely move. I think I was still drunk. My jeans were down to my knees and they were wet. I looked up and saw four guys. Didn’t see him. Then his best friend walks in says-what the ***! Picks me up and brings me home. Never talked about it again. Never said it out loud until now. I still don’t know what happened but have a pretty good idea. Never hooked up with another guy in that town. It was only him. Then almost 20 years later he finds me. Met up with him 2 years ago. Had sex. It was amazing. Since then he sends these long texts apologizing for how he treated me and is now begging me to give him another chance. I feel nothing. I’m not in love with him anymore. I should hate him but I don’t. Why don’t I hate him?

21-36 years old- So numb and disassociated from high school bf, I marry new boyfriend. Wasn’t in love. But I tried. I gave him three kids that he has now abandoned. The evil things this man did, and for so many years I shut my mouth and put my head down. Because I was ashamed. Would put me on the ground and rape me while my head would hit the corner of the dresser. Was in survival mode for almost 2 decades. Beat me then rape me. Repeat. C*nt , b*tch, wh*re, sl*t. Would kick me out of his truck and make me walk on the side of the road like I was a dog. I still remember when I had a miscarriage, standing there blood everywhere and him telling me to shut up and clean it up. Thrown down the stairs, kicked, choked. Speak when spoken to. Finally got the courage to leave. I still can’t hear his voice without shaking. Him I do hate. If I could light him on fire I would do it in a second.

36-40 years old- 3rd boyfriend. Wow. Never felt this before. So crazy in love. I would cry when he held me because I was so happy. So so happy. Then he switches. Like they all do. It’s like once they know they have you they turn into the most evil human beings. The things this man has done to me I will never say all of it loud because it’s so shameful and embarrassing. He only wanted an*l, l or wanted me to peg him. Rarely would we have vaginal sex. Would get angry if I didn’t. I was told I was a worthless c*nt if I didn’t do it. I can’t even say the rest and I never will. He is the worst of them all. He has done and said the most degrading evil things to me. Why do I still love him the most? What does that say about me? How can I still love someone who has treated me the worst? Why do I still love him? What is wrong with me? I blocked him, I pray I don’t go back.

Trying really hard not to hate men. I’ve given them everything and it never matters. I can’t tell anyone that I know what these men have done to me. I feel so ashamed. I guess I just need someone to tell me that none of this is normal. I’m holding myself back from getting into any relationship because Im afraid of the same thing happening again. I don’t know why I attract cruel men. I don’t know if I’m depressed or just defeated.