Just venting
I left the Roman Catholic Church years ago, and I was a cradle Catholic..... ( my spell check isn't active so please excuse any and all errors I don't have it in me to correct my errors at the moment )
I also tried to become a Catholic Priest that did not work out. But I eventually managed to get into a Catholic Benedictine Monastery.
One only hears the peachy romantized side of the monastic life, the truth is far from it.
I could go on a rant about the process of becoming a priest, visiting two seminaries, the discernment process in general, and what I endured and went through in the monastery i was at.
But I have come to realize there really is no need, doing so as I did in the past was for my own gratification not to feel better or to " educate " anyone.
The truth is, the Roman Catholic Church like any other religion, is a take it or leave it religion. Not a , hey do you have notes for us so we can improve religion. Which is the reason why schisms happen in the Church or with in any religion. Take it or leave it and good luck to ya when you get to *** or what ever version of *** there is in said religion.
What took me a long time to realize is, I never really belonged in the Church. And how odd and ironic is that. How in the world can the great and almighty Roman Catholic Church explain how a shmuck like myself doesn't belong in said perfect religion that is all inclusive and never makes mistakes and when they do, they fix said mistake in a very perfect manner and when they dont they have a perfect answer as to why.
When you can't be respected for your opinions because someone says we are not allowed to have opinions on scripture or disagree with the Church because xyz.
It would be equivalent to creating a game that you thusly create the rules to, and the first rule to the game is that only you get to make or change the rules and if anyone disagrees with your rules they are penalized or they end up forfeiting the game and thusly lose said game. An the loop hole to why it is a fair and good game is because anyone is welcome to join and play the game but no one is forcing you to. The second rule of the game is, if you decide not to play something very terrible will happen to you.
Now I don't know about Buddhism , or Celtic Druids, or Wiccans, but I know that in the three major religions, that is the gist of it, you don't have to join us or believe what we say, but if you don't something terrible will happen to you for all eternity and if you do decide to join us, you better not mess up or else something sort of bad will happen to you or something really bad will happen to you and dont rock the boat ever, only we the rule makers can rock the boat because " God " said so in " scripture ".
The thing is, as I see it, we are all climbing a mountain, the same mountain, it isn't a race to the top, but we are all climbing to the top. But if you are going to stick your head in the sand, there is only one direction and only one side of the mountain to get to the top. An that is just isn't true. A mountain has plenty of sides, and plenty of paths and directions to the top. What direction and path / side, may be the correct and easiest side for some, it doesn't mean it is for everyone no matter what anyone else says. An there is the schism.
I had to come to learn that for my self and to accept that for my own self and believe it. To be strong enough to leave a religion that says I am free to leave but I will go to *** or Purgatory if I do and even if I had stayed or if i ever come back, I will probably be going to Purgatory anyhow because only special and perfect people can go directly to Heaven.
An insane idea for many reasons.
I've heard and read so many scriptures in my life, and Jesus made it clear that his flock will hear his voice that he is the good shepherd, he never said only very specific people that I choose are allowed to tell the flock how to listen to Me and what to do.
Heresy ! Blasphemy ! You're going to eternal damnation!
All of this started to click in my head and just made more and more and more sense to me that I'm fine. That I do not need validation from complete strangers on if I am living a moral life based on the teachings and standards Christ set forth. Especially when those leaders, who are strangers, are just people, not special perfect uncorruptable angels sent from Heaven, they are shmucks with a bit of an education and that education does not make them a better, or more intelligent person.
Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it, an education doesn't make someone smarter than someone else. An " education " if you boil it down, is really nothing more than training, which requires trial and error to become good at. Same as being a scientist, once you know what the scientific method is, congrats you are on your way. Come up with a theory and a hypothesis bada bing bada boom off you go.
Here is a news flash too, an education does not make a person " holy " or " spiritually superior " or " qualified to lead others in a spiritual manner " .
A lot of people in life have had a great education and have been scumbags both in the religious atmosphere of life and secular. An chalking up those scumbags to " well they gave in to the devil " is crap.
It says a lot when the poor are better moral human beings than a priest or religious leader of any religion.
Then comes the mental health part of this vent.
The part where there is some slight give with at least the Catholic Church, and I suspect all religions, if you are handicap to where you cant decide on your own, " they " give that person a pass.BUT for some reason everyone is " born with original sin ", there is irony for you, all life is " precious " pre marital sex is a no no, abortion is a big no no, but everyone is born with " original sin" even though God had your name written in the palm of his hand before you were even born and some where in scripture, the sins of the father do not transfer to the son.
slow claps.
but back to mental health and me.
I cant stand people anymore, I hate my life, and I hate my anxiety, so why am i going to torture myself to sit in any church and next to strangers who i could give to poops less about, and who I have no interest in knowing and who are not going to want to be apart of my life for so many reasons... an I am supposed to sit there and smile like an idiot and wave and shake hands and be cordial.
all to bask in the super great holy special prayer time that is supposed to give me special spiritual powers to what? To make minimum wage and not afford basic needs , utilities and a place to live?
To survive ? I mean I can buy a tent a bow and some arrows, a lighter, fishing gear, and go live in the woods....
And I could literally sit down with a number of priests, rabbi(s), imam, etc, and they would all stare back with this dumb blank look on their face.
If all my life I did right according to the Church by going to mass and obeying all the special rules, and im no better off financially or physically than the poor who, are greatly loved by God, and those in poverty are treated no different and are not going to Church,, then wtf....?
All to be allowed into Heaven according to the rules someone decided to create based off what they read in scripture? Really?
I just cant do this anymore.
I am literally years away from losing everything, and no amount of praying is going to change it. Winning the lottery would.
Having my own successful business would change things.
An what good is Heaven if ya can't change things in the present for the ones ya love, ya just are there on the other side with a stupid smile on your face rooting and hoping your loved ones make it too? Ive got loved ones on the other side, they know and see the pain im in.
dur hang in there it'll get better dur just wait you;ll see.
tell that to someone with some terminal illness. then what, dur youll be " home soon " hang in there.
go sit and spin for real.
im over it all, im over my life, i dont want to do any of this anymore im sick of venting im sick of trying im sick of everything and yet i keep going through the wash and i hate it.
for me that is purgatory that is damnation, an some idiot would say no no dur dur its way worse you dont know,
well unless you have lived my life and actually been to purgatory and or ***, ya really dont know anything.
What's even worse is, when I get to the other side, I am not interested in hearing what God or Jesus has to say, I don't care about the infinite glorious answers, or drooling punched in the face *** who want to sing and slobber with the choir of angels for all eternity. Nope, I know what I want, and if all God wants is me in Heaven then fine, I'll be in Heaven, no one said I had to have a sit down and listen to anything God has to say. The way I see it, if God / Jesus/ Holy Spirit, really wants me to understand and know the why part, now is the time to do the talking now is the time to ask me to sit down and listen and fix all the broken stuff.
Because I cant fix anything once i get to the other side which means there is no reason to listen to the whys when i get there.
Oh here is one piece of scripture which I always found stupid.
Look it up for the full proper version.
it goes something like
The first shall be last and the last shall be first in Heaven or getting into Heaven.
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Want to know why it is stupid?
BECAUSE IT IS HEAVEN! WHO CARES WHO GETS IN LAST OR FIRST! You're going to be happy either way once you're in line or get in, you really think it matters who's first or last? or who gets the special seat at the table or who gets to rub elbows with the special angels and saints?
Pretend for a moment that there are toilets in heaven, you realize being a toilet scrubber in heaven is going to be just as joyous and wonderful as a back rub in heaven. because there is no envy or jealousy in heaven, so that means if God sentenced someone in Heaven to be Heavens plumber, or Gods personal fart sniffer, it would still be more enjoyable than anything on earth and way better than anything in ***.
If you made it this far, I hope your headache isn't too bad.
Go get some rest and forget you read this.
I just had to dump this out into the ether.
Take the Red Pill... or the Blue Pill...
You have had quite the journey. It sounds like you are getting to a better place though. It has been painful and you are angry. You are very much allowed to feel those things.
I have studied Catholicism (more of the medieval and early modern versions), but have never been a Catholic. I am, however, a Christian of a really liberal denomination. There is no real talk of damnation or lots of discussion of sin in my version. It is more just the loving part and realizing that we are all messed up together and that is just fine. So there are different versions out there.
I am not saying that you should be looking for any of those different Christianity versions right now. I think that you have been too wounded to imagine a different faith. That's just fine. For many being out in nature is faith enough.
Sending peace. You are going to come out the other side of this pain. Just keep walking in that direction. You haven't wasted time or anything. You have just grown in another direction. @TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
Thank you, especially for not being judgmental.
You have no idea how had I posted this on a " catholic forum " how I would have been blasted and ridiculed. A lot of " catholics " like to run their holier than thou mouths online where they are safe, but would never talk the crap they do to someones face.
I do hope the pain ends for me sooner than later, but im not holding my breath.
How have you been doing? I have been thinking about you. @TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
Thanks for asking, I honestly dunno why I did this, not long after I made my initial post, but I went on ETSY and purchased a rosary and a personalized carrying pouch for it. Finally got the rosary in and waiting on the pouch. I may get it blessed one day and I think I bought, maybe out of nostalgia of the times I enjoyed praying the rosary and hoping maybe I will again one day and it is a one of those better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it, kind of purchases.
I think lately things have been a bit harder on me than usual because of the holidays and " seasonal depression " not having a family of my own, putting all my so called eggs into one basket and going all in with pursuing a life in the faith, put those two things together ontop of my mental health issues really makes life extra miserable this time of year right up till after the New Year. So in a way I am mentally prepping on what I am going to do to get through that mess.
Heard from my older sister who stated she is starting to dabble with selling her home with the hopes of being out before Hurricane season next year and moving to PA, if she and her husband does, and when they get settled in, I'll put our family home up for sale and follow suit.
Hope for a reset of sorts, but I have learned that moving and making a life change does not mean ones mental health issues just magically get better, things are exciting and new for about 6 months I learned, and then everything comes crashing back very hard for me if I am not in a stable place with good people in my life. But my sister has assured me she would help me to adjust and adapt to the new surroundings.
The other issues of how to survive on limited funds is still the big scare on top of eventually having to deal with the inevidable death of my father and just death in general, If down the road, I am still single, with no friends and living in PA, with my father having passed, eventually my siblings will pass on, and Heaven forbid I am still in the position I am today, because I am certain I will no longer have the fortitude to carry on living, best case scenerio is I am the first to go of my siblings and any future woman that may enter into my life.
Ideally, I would like to be spared from the future altogether and just bite it with in the next year or two of natural causes since i dont have it in me to put my family through my passing , on my own terms. I have literally no hopes for the future and I am truly out of hope on life in general and could care less if I passed naturally tonight or any time soon. Because I just don't have it in me to cope and deal with life anymore and all I really have are fanciful ideas based on the sale of my family home and pretending that moving to a new state will open a better future for me.
I can easily put on a happy mask and pretend that I am very hopeful for a great future for the rest of my life but why B.S the truth online.
Ugh. I am going to apologize a great deal. Somehow your post didn't appear in my feed. I would have answered within a day. I will try not to let it happen again.
The holidays are really hard with depression. I hope that Thanksgiving was at least okay for you.
It's okay to continue to be ambivalent about religion. Maybe you want to try going to a different denomination (United Church of Christ for example) to see if you can find a more accepting community there that allows your faith to be what you want it to be. Being without community is a lonely thing. You can even bring along your rosary beads.
You are right about moving feeling quite exciting at first. But there is lots of community building that follows in a new place that you have to do slowly but surely. But you can build a much better network around yourself so that you don't have to worry about the future quite as much. I am definitely willing to help you figure out how to do that if you decide to get yourself established somewhere different.
You are tired right now. That's understandable. It is what depression does to you. I can understand why living is so hard. But better does exist.
Sending lots of peace for the next few weeks. Try a few new activities if you get a chance. It might make the holidays feel like less of a rut filled with fake happiness. @TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
no worries on the reply,
im actually visiting with extended family on DEC 7th so looking forward to that,
but yeah my life has always been an up hill struggle. An sadly it is just not going to get any easier any time ever. My pop is elderly and at 85 he could go any time or live to be 100 so that is always on my mind. an i constantly worry about every and deal with intrusive and ruminating thoughts. I had a mood swing today shopping with my dad, and had to work hard to hold myself together and did a lot better than i normally do but didnt have it in me to spend any more time than i did at the store with my dad, and just had to get home and tell him bye.
but i didnt drive like a maniac and i didnt chew his head off so i think i did something right.
How have things been going? I have been thinking about you. @TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
Still breathing,
my sister came to visit for a few days, was nice, and then things came crashing back down when she had to leave. but at least I had some respite from my problems.
The season still going okay? Sending peace.@TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
Funny the timing on asking how I am.
When it rains it pours.
My 85yr old father is currently in the hospital, he wasnt feeling well on12/18/24, he made the right decision to go the hospital as his heart rate was dangerously high and the ambulance took him. He has a history of AFIB and that is the current issue, so they finally got his heart rate down to something they feel is managable, but now he is physically tired and has trouble catching his breath when he tries to stand. so now he is currently in rehab. which to me is pointless. To me he just needs to be back at home where he can rest and gain his strength back and wait to see his cardio doc now that his heart is decent , they wouldnt have sent him into rehab if it wasnt/I know my dads history, He has his AFIB meds, and just needs to start seeing his cardio doctor again to get new stuff figured out, he refuses to eat properly at the hospital, he isnt sleeping, and he is extremely stubborn. On the 19th, he gave me a bunch of garbage at the hospital, he never lets the nurses help him due to being stubborn and prideful, so instead of calling the nurses to help him to the restroom, he waits till he soils himself then gets to the bathroom. thinking he can just keep soiling his underwear, i tried in vain to help him back into bed after he went to use the restroom, i couldnt help him cause he just wouldnt listen to me, plus i tried to get him to take his soild undewear off, he then proceeds to scream at me that im hurting him, so i get a nurse and then he starts screaming not to, he thusly screamed at the nurse he wasnt taking off his underwear and i told him that is it im leaving. An i turned my phone off and texted my older sister the drama, she brushed it off as she always does, on top of it she has a husband recovering from a knee replacement.. well, This morning around 430 am ( 12/20 ), he had a panic attack and a bout of paranoia due to sleep deprivation and stress they gave him his sleep meds but that didnt make anything better. I found out cause I had two voicemessages, one from a nurse and one from my dad, my phone being off thankfully, I was able to sleep. I texted my sister to get the forementioned updates.
So yeah that is it. I texted my sister that I am not checking on our dads wife any more than I have thus far which was once. That she needs to tell dad the next time she hears from him that im only coming up there to take him home and that if he wants his wife checked on her daughter needs to be involved or to give me permission to set up home care for the both of them on his credit card that i have access too. That is all i am willing to do.
My sister wants nothing to do with this, as she knows how difficult my father is, but i did the research, i found plenty of senior care facilities in the area, and when my dad cries about he cant afford it, I found a BBB Accredited reverse mortgage company that has an A+ rating, that he can technically get a reverse mortgage from, to thusly pay for said services while using his credit card to make the up front payments.
Thing is my dad is going to reject any and all such forms of help, mind you though, he felt a reverse mortgage was a great idea for my mom at one point while she was alive and my dad found a garbage company and the deal never went through.
So I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
I am stressed about the future with my dad coming home and his after care.
I feel like garbage because i have so much resentment with my family in general and myself, that i am not mentally tough enough to handle my dad and his crap. I got a list of senior service numbers to give my dad once he gets out of the hospital, i am giving him the information and telling him to shop for what works for him and his wife. Ima let him know I know he wont, and that I at least tried. And that I will not be able to help him because I am just mentally not able to deal with the stress of it all.
What makes it worse is my dad financially supports me. So i feel like extra garbage on top of the resentment.
I am literally once again alone as the soul support for parents, first it was our mom, now im dealing with our dad, and if it wasnt for me leaving my phone off, id be back in a psych ward right now.
My dad some how got ahold of my brother who lives in Europe, who in turn got ahold of my sister or some thing at 4am to get things sorted...
so that is how i have to cope, phone off, do not contact me until dad is ready to go home.
I apologized to my older sister in the text for being curt with her in my messages, that i was not trying to be mean. And I think she will understand.
I gave her my opinion, I sent her the resources i found, and she is just as stressed out as anyone and is now ignoring me until all blows over. and it is understandable with her needing to care for her husband. to a degree it is understandable...
My dad also needs to consider at what point does he give either me or my older sister a power of attorney for when the time comes that he is a danger to himself and his wife and cant care for himself.
he doesnt want to think about it, my older sister doesnt want to think about it, they both keep putting things off till " things are right " or " no one is in the hospital " or " when im not busy "
and my dad should have figured all this out in his 50s.
me i got my crap figured out, i know ima die miserable and alone, ive realized ill probably be homeless at some point and that is that. my dad ever decides to stop financially suppporting me id be relieved so i can just sell the house and start walking.
im tired of being a financial burden on everyone, and im tired of my life.
Thanks so much for trusting me to unload to. I have been through much of what you are going through and I continue to on some level. We can totally commiserate with one another.
Both my parents are still alive - dad is 92 and mom is 83. They did move into a retirement community about 20 years ago and that has helped but the whole system is ***. Dad entered assisted living about a year and a half ago after he began to become incontinent and mom could no longer care for him. But he has long term care insurance that mom doesn't. So that financial piece is looming when it comes to her. It is really tough but you are right to urge the reverse mortgage (or just sell the place and use the money to pay for ALF for both he and his wife for a while).
Hopefully he will be more willing to do so after this latest scare. I found that with my parents it takes lots of urging for a long time (and lots of throwing hissy fits at me) before they change course. But they do change course eventually.
But I am dreading Christmas a bit because there won't be a bunch of nurses around to help with my dad's toileting so I am pretty sure I will have to do it. And I also feel very much alone on the care front because my one sister lives in the United Kingdom. When she comes it is very brief and her help is minimal. So I end up feeling pretty resentful. I live three hours away from my parents to begin with so I can't be around constantly.
This fall has been really tough in dealing with mom. Two days after us going through a second hurricane and finally getting power back, mom fell and broke her kneecap. It has involved lots of "no ambulance" to "yes, but you need to call the ambulance because I can't figure out how to dial" to "I know you are on the road now to see me but I have fallen again and can't get up off the floor" to "what do you mean I can't drive for 8-12 weeks, who is going to stop me" to "I can't stand this knee brace 2 days after surgery so I am just going to take it off and walk around without it." So I totally understand the stubborn part too.
My sister (who was actually doing a rare visit to the US to attend a wedding at the time) was barely in contact and wasn't even texting to ask how things were going. I wanted so bad to turn off my phone and just leave. I too nearly ended up in a psych ward. But mom is recovering now (trying to keep her from climbing ladders is a struggle). Things will improve.
I know that my situation is still probably better than yours. But do come here to vent off that pressure. You are making the right moves. You just need to know that there are more people on your side like me who have a solid sense of the anguish you are experiencing. Sending peace. @TheBestScreenName
@THEBESTSCREENNAME that was very deep and interesting. I had 1 catholic church who asked me to pick them or my family because my mother is a woman clergy and my brother is gay. I choose my family. Then I was told I'm posed by the devil for having a seizure disorder. When they said I'm going to *** I said to them lead the way! I am Christian. I hope you feel better soon.
@compassionateMoon4024
It sucks that you had to go through that, my opinion is no one should ever be put in that situation by the Catholic Church or anyone in the C.C, but surprise you are not the first I have heard to have gone through that, I literally remember a priest one time mentioning in a homily how he tried to " help " a young man who confided in him that he is gay, and in turn the young man just walked away from him and never came back.
It is so infuriating how the Church acts and behaves and holds on to idiotic ideas.
I have come to terms that we are all on the same mountain heading to the top, we are just all on different sides of the mountain, taking different paths and no one deserves to be judged for the path they are on by any religion.
Islam and Catholicism have an all or nothing attitude you join, and you better believe everything that is taught or you are screwed. You basically put yourself in a no win situation if you try to use anything regarding common sense.
I might go back to the Catholic Church one day, part of me hopes i do, but if i do, it wont be like it use to be for me. I've realized I am never going to fit in with in the church, i just honestly do not belong anywhere with organized religion.
The Roman Catholic Church for me is just something I grew up with and is now the least smelling farts in an elevator full of farts.
An the church has just betrayed me in too many ways that I no longer have the need to feel any kind of validation from those with in the catholic church or the leaders in the church.
I do appreciate the sacraments, and the mass, the history of the saints, but everything else can take a giant leap off a short bridge.
Sadly the Roman Catholic Church doesn't have a complaint department or an HR department. If it did, they would be gainfully employed for a very long time. More over, even if priests, bishops, cardinals straight up to the Pope, heard anything I said here, they honestly would not care and just flip things around to being some how i am immature, corrupted by satan, misinformed, not properly catecaized or how ever that word is spelt that i am not going to spell check.
The Papacy and the Church never admits wrong doing, until they are hauled into court or have so much egg on their face they can no longer sweep said wrong doings under the rug, and instead of accepting the wrong doing, they manage to twist it around to, the church as a whole has failed and needs to pray for repentance when in reality the blame lays on the hands on church leaders.
Anyhow, i went on a rant, but anyhow, sorry you and your fam went through what you went through.
I guess for me I hope i can get to a point to where I don't care what the Pope is talking about, what the current fads in the Church are, and just get back to going to mass like I used to and get back to a simple prayer life. An stop worrying about if I am following everything the church teaches to the T.
TheBestScreenName i have found an accepting parish in my town. It's not catholic but, Episcopal. I had 1 non denomination church ask me. Do you know how to be a real woman? I laughed and said I'm 41yr. It's too late for that! I knew what they ment by real women! They mean: stay home, have kids, cook and clean. Guess what. That's not for me! I love my job and can't have kids. So their lifestyle isn't for me. I wish you the best in your journey.
@compassionateMoon4024
I wish you the best on yours as well, and thanks for listening and sharing.
@TheBestScreenName Hope you feel better after posting all that.
You are not the first ex-Catholic I've run into with strong complaints about the church. Those I've met still in the church were generally nice people, but it is clear that as an institution the Roman Catholic Church still has some problems to fix.
While I'm aware that you're just blowing off steam, I would like to add one minor point strictly for educational value...
Re "you don't have to join us or believe what we say, but if you don't something terrible will happen to you for all eternity and if you do decide to join us, you better not mess up or else...": In the stricter Christian sects/churches & (from what I've seen) in mainstream Islam the belief is like that. Normative Judaism takes a slightly different approach. That is, in its doctrine
- H€ll is not a pit of eternal fiery torment but a place where sinful souls are purified, & made ready to ascend to heaven to become one with the god of Avraham. Depending on how someone sinned during his/her lifetime, the period one stays in gehinnom can vary from a day or two to one year at most.
- For serious hardcases who are beyond redemption, their fate is not eternal punishment but to be "erased" from existence by God himself. H1tler is the classic example of that.
@slowdecline48
That part you mentioned with normative Judiasim and *** not being an eternal damnation but a place of purifying, Catholicism has that as well but they call it Purgatory,
If I had to wager a guess, when Catholicism came up with Purgatory it was probably spun off of this normative Judisiam, The Catholic Church is notorious for taking other aspects of pagan rituals and other Jewish traditions and making it into their own version. But tech for this part, they like to reference vague scripture passages that suggest there might be a purge process in the afterlife where sort of bad souls go to be purified.
I have my own opinion on the matter but it really doesnt matter.
And as for issues that the Church needs to fix, it just isn't going to happen, the Church finally let girls to be what is known as an "altar server" which was usually reserved for boys, because the idea was that it would help lead them to a priestly vocation or some other males only nonsense and then Pope who ever realized it wasnt that big of a deal for girls to be altar servers. ANYHOW
point is it took eons for that change to take place.
@TheBestScreenName
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