Just venting

Hi guys. I was just feeling extremely numb and depressed. Wanted to vent a little.

I feel like everything in life is going downhill. Was so excited to turn into an adult, but who knew my adulthood would be depressing as well.

I grew up in an abusive household where violence was a common occurance. Never really felt loved by anyone. Always kept my head embedded in school books. Had only one dream, to be a successful adult and get my mother out of this abusive home, whereas she has always been my biggest bully. I regret sacrificing everything for her. I ruined my childhood. Never really enjoyed my childhood thinking that'd distract me from my future goals. Always stayed away from relationships. Always made sure my mom was my first priority. Now it really hurts when this same person calls me selfish and goes around humiliating me and turns everyone in the family against me.

Last year I really lost my mind. I even ruined my career for her. Wanted to be a physicist but went with computer science so that I can get a job asap and help her get out of this house. Last year I had a huge fight with her. I really lost my patience. I was tired of her ill treatments. I started listing all the bad things she'd done to me, how she completely ruined my life. As usual she pulled her victim card and faked dying; one of her old tricks to get people to do whatever she wants. Though I hated programming, I was still acing as a good student. I managed to receive funds from a bursary program so that I don't become a financial burden to my mom(another stupid sacrifice I made). Now she goes around telling people how money has changed me. Just because I don't need her anymore, I'm getting meaner and meaner. I do agree that I started being mean, but it's not because of money, it's because I finally started to speak against the ill treatments towards me. Last year I was tired of sacrificing for her, especially after our fight. I sort of stopped studying and started failing all my modules. I did not do it on purpose, its just I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I was tired of studying something I hated so much. Now I messed up so much, I'm scared I'm going to loose my bursary. I'd rather die than ask my mother to fund my studies. She'll start treating me even worse if I become a financial burden to her.

Last year I was feeling very dead inside. So I finally started dating, at the age of 21. And the experience was horrible. My social skills are horrible as I've always prioritised my studies over socialising. To make it worse, I'm not allowed to date according to my religious rules. So I can't go on proper dates. That really used to *** off many guys. I'm not mad at them. They do have a valid reason to turn me down. And I just can't explain them my toxic family dynamics and rules on the 1st date. But nevertheless, I managed to get along with a guy really well. I really fell in love with him. I felt like he was perfect for me. He understood me like nobody did. We were so alike, I'mnot just talking about likes and dislikes, we even have kinda similar childhood traumas. Now me being the stupid me, I thought he loved me too. I don't blame him. He never really said he loved me. We used to be flirty almost everyday. We even used to share some of our deep secrets that we usually never tell anyone. After 3 months of our 'relationship' he started to act a little distant towards me. That really used to hurt my feelings. I used to go to sleep in tears almost every night fearing I'm loosing the only person I really loved (back then I didn't know he doesn't love me). And it broke my heart even more when he said he likes me but he's still unsure of me and how things would workout between us. I don't blame him. His reasonings were valid. But it really hurt to know that now I had literally no one in life who really loved me or cared for me. I sort of went crazy and started dating literally anybody who asked me out after the things ended between us. In the process I hurt myself even more and hurt other dates' feelings too. I still wasn't over him. And I'm still not. Nobody quite understands me like he did.

Now I feel like a pathetic loner and a loser who is loved by noone. Feels like noone cares about me. Tried to make friends but my mental breakdown hits me every other day and I start isolating myself and ruin the new friendship in the process. My only hope in life was my academics and a good job, which I've now ruined too. I feel like a big loser. I hate everything.