Just venting

Hi , I haven't been sober ever since I was 15 years old and not always on the same thing. At 22 I've abused heavier drugs which lead me to a serious mental breakdown that forced me into sobriety as I was technically mentally insane from the drug abuse... I was able to remain sober for an year but only because I was barely able to function as is , as soon as I felt better I picked up a nasty habit of Kratom and have been on it 24/7 ever since. 12 months ago I decided that enough is enough and decided to stop , never done opioids before and the withdrawals were the worst feeling of my life besides when I went temporarily mentally insane which helped me stay away from it . But as usual : I stop one thing and go to another ... Was heavily smoking 24/7 since I was living in Colorado. I gave up on smoking too recently and only been smoking a small amount by the end of the day so I can get a good night of sleep and unwind after a long day ( been skipping some nights to prove to myself that is a tool and not a crutch ) . 3 months ago I've started doing kratom AGAIN as I stopped with the weed, which I just quit once more 3 days ago and am currently going through some intense withdrawals that wont enable me to sleep more than two hours even after a stack of supplements supposed to help... I've recently had a son, and I want to do better for him and for my wife that unlike everybody else has never given up on my trash *** ... Even though I like being sober since it significantly improves my cognitive function( I really feel smarter ) I have such a hard time staying sober, I want it so bad but it has been so long since I was completely sober that I don't know how... (currently 28 years old) I think the depression,anxiety, adhd don't help but how I can't get to it even when I have all the reasons to do so ? I've finished my very last class in college today and will receive my degree in a couple weeks but I still feel so empty , I don't even feel like I deserve this or the wife I have . Is like nothing keeps me motivated to be better, I'm always feeling like I'm trash even though I don't think I'm such a terrible person .

I want to make my family proud, I want to be for my son the dad I never had, I want to be s more loving husband instead of always sulking on my own *** , I want to feel motivated enough to do the things I need to do , I want to make people smile and spread love which was what was what I was all about until I became so dull . I feel like there's such a big gap in between me and all those things I want that is impossible to reach it as I'm pushing 30's . Sorry for the long rant, just woke up feeling terrible as usual and wanted to vent ...

Once I was 15 my dad appeared out of nowhere after not contacting us since I was 6 years old , bought me a new phone and hung out with me for like a day then disappeared again.(detail: So he could go party) On top of that my father image whom I loved more than everything lost his life to cancer and year later and that was my breaking point. I haven't been able to be the same no matter what I try or even what resolution I've tried to find in drugs. I really miss the person I was before that, I made everybody smile and made them feel better, I was more empathetic and shared peoples pain to make them feel better. It made me sad when a aunt I haven't seen for a while seen my recently, she said she couldn't recognize me as I'm such an angry person nowadays. I just wish I could be like this again, but even being aware the emotional pain is what cause this non sense anger inside I still cant avoid it.

again, sorry for the long rant . Tried to make it short , but even the short version is too damn long.