Loss of friends

its a constant cycle. every short good thing in my life is accompanied by a huge period of despair and loneliness. its all good on the outside but its so difficult to manage it all inside. this year was by far the worst ever: it started off without one of my bsfs and then i lost another long term bsf whom i valued so much but she didn't recipocate the same and i couldn't still be on good terms with her after that realisation and i still haven't forgiven her after so many months where she didn't even bother to check up on me or mend things so that is done. even though i got my other bsf back its not like before and although ive made my peace with it, every day is a reminder is that i am truly alone throughout everything. i can't even make new friends and keep them. even the guy i liked randomly lost interest. i dont know what it is that makes leaving me so easy. and the entire year has just been so much of pressure continuously and i haven't caught a breather. i use my phone to distract me but all it's doing is distracting me from my studies because the pain comes back. my other close friends in school are also currently having an issue with me and its so lonely and no one understands me. this has been my life for as long as i could imagine. its always me looking at other people getting everything they want, friends, love, grades without even seeming to try and i can never get any of these, ive always been in the sidelines. its the end of the year and its just been a pain surviving this year. it feels like its going to be like this for the rest of my life. every birthday, every wish ive ever made was to have friends and be happy and 17 years and counting, my wish hasnt been fulfiled. i hope 2026 holds something better for all of us. for anyone who has read this far, thank you for listening and i hope the best for all of you in your lives.