Lost

I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father and a mother who always preferred my sister over me because she is skinnier which meant they could shop in the same section together and had many more bonding moments through that than I ever did with either of them. Eventually I was no longer being taken with them on shopping trips and would be left at home alone a lot as a preteen.

I learned at a very young age that I had to be strong and had to be there for myself, because no one else would be, and this has carried into my adult life.

I have always chosen friendships/relationships with people who need me, because I would rather help them than help myself. And that is exactly what always happens, I'm there when they need me and any other time I reach out I feel like a burden, which has left me feeling as if I have no one.

I feel like a complete failure, and every small mistake I make at work makes me feel worthless and like I'm stupid and will never amount to anything. And I have no one to turn to, because all of my "friends" are only there when they need me. They can't even answer a simple "how have you been?" text.

Basically, I have got to find a way to help me out of this hole, because the sadness is taking over and the hole is only getting deeper.

I'm not necessarily looking for someone to solve my problems. I think I just need someone to listen, help me sort through my thoughts, and remind me that I'm not as worthless as I feel right now. I'm tired of always being the strong one.