MAYBE IT ALL GETS BETTER

I have been dealing with deppression for a while now and i think i'm losing a part of me because of this. Well when i was young {i think seven or eight i'm not sure} my grandmother passed away and from that day everything everything that was happening felt like bad luck cause nothing good happened after that day.

when she passed non of our family friends, cousins her old friends came to the funeral they knew she had passed and didn't come there, instead they went to the bank and lied about her owing them money some friends. that's not even the worst part. the worst part is that i was very close with her and her passing was a very unexpected thing, i mean my uncle passed before her but when she died it's like death had a whole new meaning like i now understood what it ment for someone to die. well now i live wit my mother and although she is my mother i don't think she and i have ever been close and most of my life no actually all of my life i felt neglected and unloved and i couldn't even visit any of my family members cause they all despise each other and that's not really something i wanna be caught up in. Now i'm stuck with a person that makes me feel like they don't want me in their life. I can't help but be mad at my grandma for passing away i know there's nothing she could've done about her passing but i can't help but think if she was still alive eveything would be fine and i'd have someone who actually loves me and doesn't make me feel like a piece of *** [excuse my language]. i used to listen to my aunts talk about her being the glue to this family cause somhow she always had a solution but i mean i was a kid what did i know about that. Apperently she was and she was also the glue to my life cause without her i feel like i'm losing it and i feel like i'm losing the last bit of sanity i have left. i'm fifteen now (well turning 15 in june) and her death still haunts me like i can't think about her and not cry. i can't even bring myself to look at her pictures cause i can't seem to let go.