Old thoughts made new...

(TW) [no im not in crisis] Written in 10/24, ive been dealing with SEVERE depression, anxiety and chemical dependency since my father passed 5 years ago and it's only got worse. Especially with the newest development, going through old notes I found this, yes the feeling is still the same, minus the ending, because I haven't re-written the ending yet, that's years down the line. Just wanted to get this beast off my chest. I'm not going anywhere just yet. 💜💜

I've been drinking a little bit but I’m sober enough to write this. I have no friends or family I’m really close to, I’ve never had enough money to move out of the city, or to buy a home to start a family. I tell everyone even though I’m coming up to 40 soon, I don’t want a woman in my life or kids but that’s a lie. I want a wife and kids but who would want to marry a loser like me? I’m tired. I’ve been tired for a long time. Even when some fine woman did want me I couldn’t bring myself to be with them cause I know I’m bad luck and I don’t wanna put that on anyone else. But when i met her, and she made my heart melt, gave me that look, you know the one I'm talking about, but I digress. This world is to bad to bring more people with conscious minds into it anyway. So maybe it was for the best that I didn’t have any kids. It’s stress everywhere I turn in my life. I go to work knowing I’m fighting the battle on not wanting to be here. Anyone who truly knew me even a little bit, you had to have known I was depressed. I smiled through a lot of ***, I manned up a lot, but I was rarely ever happy. The older I got, the more of a magnet for dumb *** happening I became, and in turn, I became more and more of an introvert. Life just would not stop throwing me monkey wrenches. I’ve been drawing the short straw my whole life. So more and more I thought, maybe if I do less, life will *** with me less, boy was I wrong. My love life, my finances, my social life, my body, all stress and dumb ***. Good guys really do finish last. I use to be able to find peace at work, that was the one place where I had peace. That was the job where I helped people and felt like my life had purpose. But lately, these past couple months, work has been adding to my stress instead of taking it away. I just want peace god. Why is it always me? Why do you choose me as your catalyst? I am tired of being one of gods strongest warriors. The guy who always does the right thing even when it’s hard or easier not to, the guy that can the take punishment, I’m tired. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. It’s darkness everywhere I turn. All I see is humanity killing each other for no reason, diseases, dishonest shiesty people, an unfair world where the majority are poor, I honestly think this planet might be ***! If you stop and think about it, it’s one of the only theories that makes sense! But look, this isn’t because I’ve been broke my whole life, or cause I can’t find a girl, or cause I don’t have any friends, or cause of dumb stuff at work, or because I’m not close to any of my family, or cause all I see is people that use people and hardly anyone is truely genuine and happy for you, kindness is at an all time low, or cause I think humanity is doomed and will end soon any way. It’s because, ultimately, I feel like I wasn’t meant to be here and have been wanting to leave my whole life. I really feel like I was born in the wrong time period. How many times have you heard me say that? I belong in a time, or on a planet, where most people are good instead of a few, where there’s no racism and people aren’t starving to death on one side of the planet while people are having eating contest on the other side at the same time. Where people aren’t shot and killed just for walking down the street, or laying in bed, or getting into their car on their way to work, or out for a night of fun and killed by a stray bullet. I belong on a planet that wasn’t forgotten by god and has a god if there is one, who cares enough about humanity, let alone little old me, to step in when it gets as bad as life has been on this planet lately, a god who would do something to make a difference. All these prayers all these years and crickets from the man upstairs. Two things have to be true, either god doesn’t exist, or he does exist but he just doesn’t give a *** about us. One or the other. Either that or this is truely *** and we are all in denial. How long can prayers fall on deaf ears before people realize they are only talking to themselves? I know there are a few good people out there, but, I absolutely despise this world. So even if I could go back and do my life all over so I could have everything I’ve ever wanted I wouldn’t want to, not on this planet where everyone is suffering. I read a lot of philosophy and I get into physics. You know, the double slit experiment, the multiverse theory, binary code in the universe and all that. I believe that there is also a strong possibility that this is all one big game anyway. I want to find my peace. And sometimes….the only way to win is not to play. So, I’m turning the game off. If there is another side I hope to see anyone that had love for me there, maybe God will give me a pass if there is such a thing, cause he knows like anyone who knows me even a little knows, I’ve been suffering in silence this whole time cause I’m an empath and I hate evil and it won’t leave this planet alone. And if there isn’t a afterlife, then please know I finally found my peace in eternal sleep and forgive me, and don’t blame yourself, I’m just a kid with a big heart that was always too heavy to survive on planet earth, maybe it’s not the best answer but it’s the one that gives me peace right now. Listen to Alan Watts “the dream of life”. If you truely awaken you will understand nothing really matters. It’s just a ride. You can stay on the roller coaster if you enjoy the ride or get off. It’s all the same in the end. You can die when you want or when life decides to take you unexpectedly. I’m just choosing my time cause I’ve had enough of this game of life.

Depression is a monster, but you need to learn to sit in the dark with the monsters to show them you're not scared. We're hurt, we're broken, but we won't back down.