* Possible Triggers* Dealing With Passive Suicidal Ideation

@TheBestScreenName I hate it when my therapist kind of moves me away from a topic that is causing me so much distress. It feels like he doesn’t take me seriously. But after this happened a few times I imagined what would happen if he just let me keep talking that way - where does it go? Doesn’t it just become a complaint fest? I’m still not sure the reason he does this, but I do know that staying stuck in troublesome thoughts isn’t particularly helpful to me. HOWEVER it doesn’t mean I paper over my complaints and try to BS myself to be happy. And I know that feeling of uncertainty about what my life would be like if I didn’t have certain people or supports in my life. Sometimes it feels so fragile. But sometimes that is what life really is. It’s fragile in ways we don’t even like to acknowledge. But I always tell myself that, “life will get me soon enough.” I don’t have to plan to hasten that process along. There is something that keeps us around. The reason that keeps us around last year might be different from what keeps us around this year. We aren’t great at predicting the exact future we’ll find ourselves in. My guess is maybe you’re feeling uncomfortable with the unpredictable. “Living in the now,” is often the advice we get. Sometimes that feels like a poop answer because maybe “now” really sucks. But it takes extra energy to live with now PLUS our “what if’s”. Letting go of the “what if’s” usually just reduces our pain and sometimes that feels like not nearly enough. BUT it actually can be a little more relaxing if you let the future go - get it out of your mind - and then without BSing ourselves we can kinda accept the “now” a bit better. The external suckyness of the “now” doesn’t change. We aren’t fooled about that. But our mind kind of fills the void with a bit more hope. Not hope that we’ll win the lottery or meet miss right tomorrow, but something more subtle. Anyway, this works for me and the more I try it the more it seems to work, and honestly even if it is a bit of self deception I’d rather have that than the alternative.

thank you for the replies.

What I find sad, is I see myself slowly walking into being homeless.

I have volunteered at soup kitchens before, I am aware of the struggles that come with being homeless.

I have witnessed a beloved uncle and his wife lose their home due to their mismanaging of finances and not being able to pay property taxes and no one in the family bailed them out, and they lost their home and thankfully found relatives to move in with.

I am glad to see that someone out there, can live in the now. My anxiety wont let me. and the medication only does so much. And as for going back into the Army, I can't I am past the age to rejoin. I was merely comparing my life of hardship and pain now to what I went through when i was 18 and in the Army and I would rather be back in the mess I was in then.

sadly my passive ideation isn't that passive, I have a plan of sorts. Things just have to align and I suspect they will.

The plan is pretty simple. I know what I do not want to do in life anymore. So I am going to start doing what I do want to do in life that would give me a sense of purpose and a nice income to live frugally and quietly somewhere in the country away from barking dogs and nosey neighbors. I am going to put in the effort one more time and no more. So the first thing is to get my weight off. Which I am in the process of doing which is the first part of my plan, I have a great chance of having a very safe surgery, but I do have an honest hope that during my gastric bypass surgery, something happens that is out of my control and I don't make it through. So okay great either way I win. I will heal up, get the weight off, look better, maybe even gain energy back and maybe life starts to feel better after I have healed up and gone to the gym. In the mix of losing weight, I am going to take a public speaking class to help me address my social anxiety and get used to talking to people again. After that class, once the weight is off and I'm looking good, ima take an acting class, some improv, etc, just to get loose and keep working on overcoming my anxiety. Maybe even make a friend. ( I honestly doubt I'll make a friend but I will be open to it. )  After that year is done, and I have figured out where I want to move to, and what entrepreneurial path I want to take from the sale of my home, I am going to sell my home, make the move, and begin that path.

And at that point that is where the 50/50 game of life or death kicks in. Because I will either succeed and my anxiety will be manageable and my path for income will work, or it won't. I have been doing research and taking my time to make sure I properly do my part to make sure what I am thinking about doing will work.

Ideally, at some point, I will have maybe 2 friends and maybe get lucky and start dating which I haven't decided if I want to or not. So Ideally everything gets better, I have maybe 2 great friends and begin talking to a woman, and my business is working and I get to live in relative peace with normal life stressors such as paying taxes and bills but not to the point that I am like if this month goes bad I gotta turn off a utility. Just complaining mainly and stressed that I have the money to pay for it, but I don't wanna. 

Now here is what is going to happen, and why, is because, I know how to put in hard work, and have that don't-give-up attitude, I used to have it, and it has been ingrained in me through countless failures of don't give up, work hard keep trying, that focusing on something and sticking on the path, for me, and giving everything my best, just doesn't work because there is always someone or an event in my life that comes crashing down on me and cripples me.

and that is life, not everyone who works hard and plays by the rules, gets a fair shake in life or is treated fairly or even is appreciated for their commitment and ethics etc. Sometimes some good people welcome anyone into their lives and give them the benefit of the doubt of welcoming a good person into their life, and instead get abused, manipulated, and mistreated.

And I refuse to be a financial burden on my siblings. My brother has already labeled me a mooch in the past, he didn't understand what I was going through, but we have a strained relationship, and he has a family and he can't be burdened with caring for me. My older sister whom I am close, has a husband with medical issues and my problems are too much for her to handle it wouldn't be fair to burden her with having to care for me and impose myself to go live with her and deal with my mental health issues.

My dad if he is lucky has maybe 10-15 years left in him.  It wouldn't be fair to him to live into his 100s and watch me try to make my life better only to fail and fall into poverty and have that strain and break his heart and soul, and I would have shield him from that inevitable failure if God is so cruel to have him long enough to watch me try and fail one more time.

So, like I said ima give it one more try. I am going to do everything I can to make it work. I will stick with my meds, and my therapists at the VA, I'll focus on one step at a time and try to fight my anxiety issues. I'll get the fresh start I need from getting the weight off, keep researching what I am interested in doing for a business, double-check the numbers, etc, But what is going to happen because I have absolutely zero faith or hope that things are going to work, they may for a while if God is kind to my dad,  things will work long enough for me, I may not have solid friends though, but I will be financial stable long enough for him to pass in peace, and then things will fail somehow. Because evidently, God is satisfied for my life to keep failing. 

Only after my dad has passed and my attempt at starting over has 100 come to pass after I have given it my all. That is it. I will be done. I won't continue with the pain and suffering anymore is what I suspect will happen. Everything will have been crushed for good.