Post-College Depression

I graduated from college in May and I managed to get a basic job at a medical call center for rent, and the job is good in some ways, like I enjoy feeling like I’m helping people and the team is nice, but then in others it’s way too stressful and demanding of time, and it’s also not paying me enough to be financially stable. It’s ironic because the insurance provided by a medical organization isn’t enough for me to afford therapy or get out to do the things a healthy young person should do.

I also moved to a new city to start over, and I’m looking for jobs in my desired field, but nothing is coming up, and I just…I dunno. It’s hard to make friends, and go out, and socialize, and make time to have fun when I’m scared of not being able to pay bills, when I’m forcing myself to do work I’m not comfortable doing for 5 days a week 8 hours a day, zapping me of emotional energy. My long distance partner pointed out I was kind of self sabotaging and telling myself that I’m creating all these internal rules for when I’m allowed to go out, when I’m allowed to have fun, when really they don’t serve me. And they are right, it is self sabotaging. But how do I get the motivation to push forward, to fight on, when I feel like I was thrown into a world I’m not compatible with?

I don’t like competition, I don’t like profit over people, I’ve always struggled to be social unless I was literally physically placed next to people to be forced to talk to them, and now I’m not forced to be around anyone anymore. I need more money to put myself in a financially stable place, and I don’t want to rely on others, I’m determined to figure it out, but in this economy, with a brain as overwhelmed as mine…I don’t know where to start.