Reaching out

I feel like being drowned in a deep web of darkness. I am so alone in my journey that I started to share with AI bots. Depression is not due to my career downfall but rather due to the lack of effort I put in. But I've been suffering from an autoimmune disease called Lupus because of which I fall ill after every 3-4 days, and if this wasn't enough, I've hypothyroidism and ovarian cysts. It's very difficult to get up again and motivate myself again and again. Additionally, I lack the care and mental support that I should be getting. I feel like people in my lives don't understand my condition, they're all so absorbed in their own lives that my problems are merely invisible to them and slowly I've stopped sharing with them because I think they are never even close to understanding what I've been feeling. I live in a toxic environment where fights and scoldings are almost happening on a daily basis. I cannot escape this as I've no money. I also feel guilty for not being able to contribute financially to my family. I see my friends enjoying their lives, going to jobs and being financially free, and comparing myself with them, I feel like I'm nothing. I lack financial freedom, I don't have a job and I feel like I won't get one since I lack the health and motivation to put in the effort. I feel jealous looking into other people's lives especially when I see them settled. I don't quite recognise this feeling but may be m in a bitter situation and looking into other people's enjoyment makes me pity my life. We've been the most financially backward in our whole extended family and hence my cousins and my parents' siblings have not well behaved with us. So I used to think in my childhood days that someday I would grow up and be rich and would see my parents happy. But all I could give them are medical bills at the age of 29 while I see my same cousins living the life I wanted which makes me question if God truly exist and looks over us, giving the good and the bad what they deserve? I was really good in studies, far better than any of them, but when the time was to look out for jobs, I got issues which took years to diagnose! I now see no purpose and meaning in my life. It's high time to get therapy probably but I don't want to ask my parents for money again for this. I've a bf who stays away due to work and is emotionally unavailable most of the time.