Saying goodbye with a gift

Apologies for the abusively long post.

Context:

I'm a middle aged, cis gay man.

I live in mainland Europe but am from the UK originally.

Three years ago I met a guy on *** when I was visiting home and, unlike 99.9% of *** interactions, we hit it off immediately.

We've messaged a lot, every day, for three years.

His life is complicated. He has a female partner of 30 years and three children. He is trying to break up in the gentlest way possible and keep seeing the kids as much as possible. But he's realised over the years that he's gay, not bi. Though he's not yet ready to come out to his ex-ish partner and family.

My life is trying to renovate a long abandoned farm.

Anyway.

I had to finally break off contact with him because I am in love and he isn't in love with me.

I have already bought him birthday presents for May. I decided that I may as well give them to him then anyway. And I can write a letter to put in the parcel as a form of catharsis for me, at least.

I use a lot of the style of writing and shared jokes that he and I built up over the years in the letter, so it may be a little confusing to others.

But I just want to put the letter out into the world so that even if I decide not to send it to him in the end, it's out there, somewhere.

note inside the parcel.

Gift: a Lego shark

A temperature change dinosaur mug

the chicken emoji was used as a form of affectionate insult and should be read as ***-erel

Happy birthday you 🐓.

I hope these will make you smile and remind you of a good friend who loved you a lot.

Shark because: obvs.

He loves trashy shark-movies

Lego because: broccoli was better.

He tried to get his kids into Lego when they were small, but they preferred broccoli because it was like tiny trees

DinoMug because: obvs, although it's not the stegosaurus, BJ-mug from Tesco's, I hope it's good enough.

He loves dinosaurs and Jurassic Park

...

On an envelope inside the parcel


¡Emoshuns Warning!

The letter in here is long but if I you missed me, even a bit, I'd appreciate it if you'd read it.

...

The long letter

Just to touch base:

(Joke about business email jargon)

I'm sorry I couldn't stay being your Cast Member (Digital Only). (In joke)

You know I kept breaking down and trying to be fine while we hung out (digital only).

I did that for (almost) three years.

That's not nothing. I really tried.

I think as the Wonk (house he bought to move in to solo) got more sorted and OtherGuy (the guy I've realised that he IS in love with) was going to become a regular part of your life, I realised how jealous I was. I didn't want that.

I didn't want to hear about him, because you love him and you don't love me and that hurts me a lot.

I didn't want you to hide parts of your life any more either, not from me too. That would have been horrible. (So I felt I finally had to choose the nuclear option instead)

However (posh words), it did force me to face up to how much less I meant to you, than you meant to me.

Admitting that to myself is probably for the best, in the long run.

I know that you liked me and found me fun but I don't think I was any more than that. I hoped I was. That's just how it is. I can't change that.

I knew, really, how you felt about me from that Christmas I rented a little hotel room and you wouldn't stay the night with me. You would risk it to stay with OtherGuy, but not me. I wasn't worth the risk.

I hate to think it, but I feel like I was just a sexual experiment, like the spanking guy. An embarrassing memory, not to be repeated. It's not a nice feeling.

I should have walked away then to save myself the heartache. I really should.

I've been around the block a bit. I know how this sort of thing plays out.

Unluckily for me, a huge part of love is the daily interactions. Showing I care in all the tiny, mundane, daily ***. I thought that's what we were doing. I miss all of it.

I miss the meerkatting and roundabout reports.

I miss daily Tesco updates and ceramic infomercials.

I miss the dead supermarket plants.

I miss the *** Marketplace wonders.

I miss the grumpy and confused morning selfies.

I miss your turn of phrase.

I miss seeing the world through your eyes.

I miss seeing the children's paintings.

I miss hearing about the tradies you'd bang at the chippy.

I miss the sink *** updates.

I miss being your vent when you're frustrated or *** off.

I miss seeing what the Dumpies have been up to.

I miss hearing about your right-wing punters.

I miss car-music updates.

I miss the inspirational, therapeutic-art selfies AF. (they really were glorious)

I miss knowing how your plants are doing.

I miss the RAGE at Goblination Frustration by selfish people (probably Pilates) at work.

I miss recycling, with or without the kids, reports.

I miss your belligerent moments.

I miss seeing the Wonk and hearing about your plans and choices for it.

I miss hearing about you and your day.

But that's how I do love and the feeling isn't mutual.

Maybe my expectations are too high, or too low?

Maybe, like the band Foreigner, I don't know what love is? Is it just a total eclipse of the heart?

(referencing his trashy car music tastes)

Who the *** knows. Bonnie probably does.

...

If it's not abundantly clear already, I want you to know it was really hard for me to stop talking with you. I didn't do it on a whim.

You've been with me (digital only) since I was still living with my cousin in MainlandEuropeanCity and learning to drive. When I bought my first car. My first long, solo drive. Moving to the village. All the *** pitfalls and little successes I've had over the last three years.

I know it'll get easier but I'll always miss the stupid dreams I had of you. Though they were only my dreams, I know, not yours.

I never expected you to move here or me there. I just hoped we could have spent some time together, sometimes. I wasn't totally delusional.

I'd have loved to have killed plants with you.

I'd have loved to have got you to eat more than microwave meals and Tesco's sandwiches.

I'd have loved to have sat on a sofa with you in winter watching a dumb shark movie or an awful 80s fantasy film, giggling together. I'd have enjoyed hearing your sarcastic commentary and seeing your exasperated expressions.

I realise now that your (no) responses to so many of these things were real. I thought they were for humour-reasons at the time. My mistake.

I am sad I won't know how the Wonk looks with the lounge and parlour finished, or be able to continue being annoyed by the kitchen layout.

No, maybe I can continue being annoyed by the kitchen layout ❤️ but in a more distant and abstract way.

Unluckily for me, all of that joy is for OtherGuy. 🤷‍♂

I hope you haven't thrown the Goblin King away though, or the Bead Art in B1.

(Hideous items left by the house's previous owners that we both enjoyed in a kitschy way)

I imagine you didn't keep the Poo Spoon as it was just a dumb Me-thing that must have arrived just after we stopped talking.

If you don't want to keep the shark and the DinoMug, please give them a decent home. Don't just bin them.

There's a little bit of my heart in them, for what it's worth 🤷‍♂

I realise now that you didn't want me to give you gifts.

I think you knew why I wanted to give you things and you knew I was misguided.

You did say (no) to the replacement spoon but I thought that was just English politeness.

I'd bought the gifts before I broke down and broke it off. It would feel churlish of me to waste them. I hope they make you smile.

...

Wrapping up, circling back. Base touched...

I never did block you. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I left myself contactable as a last ditch hope, I guess.

Idiot(m) 😂

I deleted our chat on my side, and deleted your contact details.

I didn't want to be able to send you anything desperate or pointlessly spiteful while I was overly-emotional and crying.

I would only have regretted that.

I suppose you did a very you thing: I said that I can't talk to you, so you did what I asked and stopped talking to me. Immediately.

I appreciate the logic, but I really wish you'd said "goodbye" or, Mother(m)'s God for-***-bid, "I understand but I'll miss you" just so I'd have known it wasn't easy for you either. Cos I miss you, every *** day you 🐓. But 🤷‍♂

Anyway, enough of my self-pity.

I hope you're building your new life.

I hope it's going well.

I hope you're practicing botanical painting.

I hope you and ExPartner and managing to sort things out in a kind way.

I hope the Wonk is coming together more and more.

I hope the kids are happy and doing well.

I hope OtherGuy and you are having a wonderful time together. I want you to be happy and he makes you happy.

You're a marvelous man, HisFullName (DOB-present):

A real 5(y)/6 (one point deducted for not wanting me (🐓(y))) (shared joke about rating everything on a die roll)

Thanks for reading this far.

I know how much you hate emotions and text walls.

That means a lot to me.

Maybe, if I can ever afford therapy so I can sort my larger mentalnessess out, I'll be able to be your friend again, without my childish jealousy, if you'll have me.

I'd like that.

Bye again, you handsome 🐓

Massive hugs (that make you uncomfortable)