Sleeplessness
I’ve been so tired I’ve found myself falling asleep in my dreams. I can’t even escape my reality even there. I’m struggling even more so now that it’s Summer, because I overheat really easily and have a massive fear of bugs. I can’t really go outside to get sunshine or exercise.
I’m feeling particularly miserable because I’m struggling with bedrotting again, especially because the bathrooms have mold which makes me freak out when I go in there to shower/get clean. I can barely get up in the morning to do things as simple as getting my meds, and it’s so embarrassing because I know my parents notice :(
I just don’t know what to do anymore. There’s no way out, and when I do have energy, it’s spent either taking care of my dad, being there for friends/my mom, or doing some set of tasks I’m asked to complete. Honestly, anyone else would be able to do it all without much trouble. Realistically, my day-to-day is not much—especially on the chores side—but to me it still feels like scaling a mountain.
I wish I could just sink into a dark void and leave it all behind forever, but I can’t voice those thoughts to anyone without them either getting upset about how I could think it at all, or making me form another safety plan/promise I won’t do anything about it. It’s a little irritating that they can’t tell that I don’t have the energy to do that on top of everything else I have to take care of, but that’s a big whatever in the long run.
I’m not sure if I’m here now typing this for a big outpouring. I just knew I needed somewhere safe to vent so I don’t go insane dealing with comforting/reassuring whoever I’m speaking to on top of it. If you made it this far, I appreciate you at least bothering enough to not let this be thrown into the void, and wish you best.
Also, just so we’re perfectly clear, I’ll still be here to respond, so please don’t freak out because I’m being honest for once.
All the best,
‘ Anybody else would be able to do it without trouble ‘ … I think that is not true at all. Most people in your circumstances Wouldn’t have the love within them To do the best you can to love your mom and your dad. So I know this for sure about you: You have One in 1 million Love Within you and That means that it won’t be long at all Before really great people are drawn to you And realize how lucky they are, Friendships & relationships that will energize you As you energize them.
I’ve had 2 Times in my life I felt like you do now. You mentioned exercise, That is such an important place to start and build on. I need those endorphins like you do, I learned that Just doing some abdominal exercises while still in bed when I wake up Would start to give me a little bit of a natural buzz. And then in the early evening 1 Do push-ups on my knees Until I absolutely collapse. And not just one set more like five sets, and every single one of them to collapse. My body got in great shape, but that wasn’t the real reason I kept going, It was because It gave me an endorphin buzz and I would sleep better And I would get more and more optimistic naturally.
I challenge you to do the same, So that Before long you will have the energy to get out there And meet more people and have That love that you’re sending out into the world come right back to you
And praying every morning is the first thing I do. I never miss that. It’s a really big part of my life turnaround. And I’m going to pray for you right now, Champ.