Starting over

I lost my job at the end of August. I fell into a deep intense depressive episode in mid-September and I am still in it. I am on the verge of homelessness. My self-esteem is so low I allow it to affect every aspect of my life. I had interviews, where any questions about myself that required to speak about myself positevely I physically and mentally struggled to answer them. I get anxiety and feel ill when I work on my resume and apply for jobs because I know that if I get an interview, I will have to "fake it till I make it." I also feel like I feel these thigns while I work on my resume because I genuinely think that I am not well enough to work.

I have done intensive therapy. I wan in outpatient for my depression and anxiety right before I got fired. In fact the reason why I was fired was because I worked in a high productivity environment and beign gone for so long, coming back... I could not meet the expectations that were held for everyone per policy, and I already had write ups for my performance due to my mental health. 

I've allowed my mental illnesses to rule my life without doing anything about them. I blame myself for it. I talk bad about myself. I have so much anxiety about my future but I feel like I am stuck inside a circle of fire that I've set ablaze. I've done nothing but rot on my couch. Isolated myself. Feel sorry for myself. Not take care of myself. I wallow in all of it. Truth is I oddly found comfort in doing nothing. Having no contact with anyone. It's icredibly difficult to have conversations now in person because of the fact that I have been so isolated for months. Not just mentally, but physically. My voice is now weaker. 

I don't really know why I am writing this. I haven't thought about what I am looking for in writing this.