Struggling
Hello, people!
I just want to share with you about everything I feel. I don't have any resource to suffer. I'm really bad. I was here first in 2022. That year I was diagnosed with depression for the first time. Since that time I broke up with my girlfriend, who emigrated to Europe when war began (I'm from Ukraine). Then I've changed 3 psychiatrists, each of them prescribed different antidepressants and neuroleptycs. In 2024 I was staying in psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks, that helped me a lot. Since that time I've entered Ph.D. programme in Psychology and was certified in gestalt-therapy. I have new relationship now for already 2 years, but it's abusing. I suffer from gaslighting and abuse every day, she wounded me several times and I have scars on my arms. I tell everyone that that scars are because of cat, I don't want my partner to suffer. She tells me that she hates me and that I'm the worst thing which could have happened to her, she tells I'm pathetic. As a person with strong Psychological background I see that her mental health is not okay and I stay relatively okay with my self-esteem. She hates my dog and trying to abuse him every time, I literally must defend him with my own body. My feelings are always depreciated not only by my girlfriend, but also by my parents. War — is another reason of stress. I'm okay to live under shellings, I've already used to it. I don't even care about problems with heating and electricity. I'm afraid of injustice. As a Ph.D. student I can't be drafted into the army and this law works in 99% of cases. But I'm absolutely morally crushed because violations exists, I hear every day that young men, usually from small towns and vilagges are literally kidnapped by army recruiters and that recruiters are just fined sometimes by courts for that law violations, if they're proven. Also I have panic attacks, especially when walking on the streets and I feel very depressed when I see funerals of young soldiers, who awere really a "bloom of nation" as we say in our country. I can't leave the country even for couple of month, to reabilitate myself and simultaneously I can't be drafted into army.
Also I have problems with physical health, specifically with my adrenal glands, which produce 2,5 times more renin than maximum and make my blood pressure permanently high. It is caused by congenital feature and as I understand can't be cured completely.
Regardless everything I mentioned, I try to stay positive, remain high-ambitious person. I just feel that I'm on my way to deep depression again. My life doesn't belong to me at all, I'm in love with abuser, I'm afraid of going outside (driving is relatively okay, because only Police can stop Car on the street and I have a little trust to Police), I'm extremely anxious about my Ph.D. thesis, though I love to held practical lessons to bachelor students and I like to listen lectures. I have hope to become a high-valued professor in the future and held guest lectures in foreign universities, write scientific works and conduct valuable researches.
To sum up, I feel like standing on a rope. I have all that dreams, so my depression isn't deep sharing yet, but everyday stress ruins everything. I feel it, I feel that I'm going to full collapse of my resilience and my will to live. I write everything here, because I can't share this to ukrainian audience, I'm just afraid to be mocked and humiliated, I'm afraid to be told that soldiers are in much bad conditions. I also don't want to make any problems with law to people I love. In my free time I often go to Threads and try to support people who write about their sufferings. That brings me a little peace. I'm really soft person and very kind. Tio kind to bare all the violence around
Thank you and sorry for this, I feel very guilty now.
i cant touch or even come close my issues seem so little after reading this and your braver than you think idk now to reclaim the years lost the distance from family the scare that will have burt on and will foreveer remain im learning day at a time and the negative will always cripple any good you have in you this im learnig day by day for expample its been awhile since talking to people and ive tried on this app and goign better than thought but still so new and im so boring i tried to make my message extra for a response i got this morning yea should have just kept iot short and simple but i havent had friends that wasnt they told me growing up all mh wild kid imagntion was dumb no one would every buy or like it tha sounds stupid and i didnt realized till later how much that had effect as well i want to share this with you because i odnt have a higschool education for work to get family away from absuive dad and realizing from life i cant touch the army topic at all but you want to make a difference in peoples lives that can do more than any fight for you have no idea what someone can create oor acheive if they have someone that can make a real difference and impact youre braver than you think and that dog animals will die for their human animals are more than just and trust me fake love or bad love to not feel lonely is far worse sounds like you should use your increable power to think of a better life if not for you the dog that cries in the shadow for they understand your pain ( got lazy on punctuation ) and heres this to share with you
(Yesterday was a null as the news I hand to accept that there was never a good time for heartache we all must feel to be human that is what’s most important and to feel from being cold and distant is no life anyone should endure for there lies a darkness in that pain——————
What does your idea of success look like; think about it at work for you have put your thoughts into this yet I have not asked myself this can’t say this is on topic here goes {Kinda the things I wasted years not learning and gave up. In a lifetime ago tried cross-country was incredible but was only paid for once and I didn’t know how to ask the coach, as well as collect rocks, though with the time invested into games and achievements could have upgraded your character in real life sometimes life can be like an rpg game where you level up and pick which character you want, where you put skill points to master different abilities. Sometimes childhoods aren’t so sunshine and rainbows as it should be, lack of real role models will always have a huge impact but how long does it take to realize it’s affecting you. A bad Story for a character but here goes ( Staying at a friends house one random school night, with a funny but bitter, angry father well ) {To be continued} [ Do you want to get better and change?] [ Not just talking about it feeling the emotion that comes with it but real hard truth change ?] {Joshua wisemen another chef like Chef Ramsey }
To undo for there is no option for such as we wonder and want but last nevertheless as such way wonder why or when?
Beauty is in the eye of those who can see their beauty ( just as art is only as good as the artist will see) { Grace under that will for us spinning what can’t be spun. Well there is what is and what was can’t be chaos wonders through sunshine.} [ The sad man whispers in his ear another day will appear. The sorrow and pain can’t hurt you for the world is but a shallow grave awaits us all? Yesterday is no longer here for that is now the past. / Once was as there is as they are as we disappear we can’t exist. Everywhere sometimes there’s a way we need to understand what things are yet to be as we once were. Pillar of sand blows in the wind ashes disappear into the darkness, yet to see the line in the sand is formidable. Everything is as or never was as it should last can be found but hopeless ever will be, left for those who no longer can be. \ Lesser the hand held for you can’t do what you don’t try. We fold as we feel unbreakable.)
