Struggling living this life

Hello, people!

I just want to share with you about everything I feel. I don't have any resource to suffer. I'm really bad. I was here first in 2022. That year I was diagnosed with depression for the first time. Since that time I broke up with my girlfriend, who emigrated to Europe when war began (I'm from Ukraine). Then I've changed 3 psychiatrists, each of them prescribed different antidepressants and neuroleptycs. In 2024 I was staying in psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks, that helped me a lot. Since that time I've entered Ph.D. programme in Psychology and was certified in gestalt-therapy. I have new relationship now for already 2 years, but it's abusing. I suffer from gaslighting and abuse every day, she wounded me several times and I have scars on my arms. I tell everyone that that scars are because of cat, I don't want my partner to suffer. She tells me that she hates me and that I'm the worst thing which could have happened to her, she tells I'm pathetic. As a person with strong Psychological background I see that her mental health is not okay and I stay relatively okay with my self-esteem. She hates my dog and trying to abuse him every time, I literally must defend him with my own body. My feelings are always depreciated not only by my girlfriend, but also by my parents. War — is another reason of stress. I'm okay to live under shellings, I've already used to it. I don't even care about problems with heating and electricity. I'm afraid of injustice. As a Ph.D. student I can't be drafted into the army and this law works in 99% of cases. But I'm absolutely morally crushed because violations exists, I hear every day that young men, usually from small towns and vilagges are literally kidnapped by army recruiters and that recruiters are just fined sometimes by courts for that law violations, if they're proven. Also I have panic attacks, especially when walking on the streets and I feel very depressed when I see funerals of young soldiers, who awere really a "bloom of nation" as we say in our country. I can't leave the country even for couple of month, to reabilitate myself and simultaneously I can't be drafted into army.

Also I have problems with physical health, specifically with my adrenal glands, which produce 2,5 times more renin than maximum and make my blood pressure permanently high. It is caused by congenital feature and as I understand can't be cured completely.

Regardless everything I mentioned, I try to stay positive, remain high-ambitious person. I just feel that I'm on my way to deep depression again. My life doesn't belong to me at all, I'm in love with abuser, I'm afraid of going outside (driving is relatively okay, because only Police can stop Car on the street and I have a little trust to Police), I'm extremely anxious about my Ph.D. thesis, though I love to held practical lessons to bachelor students and I like to listen lectures. I have hope to become a high-valued professor in the future and held guest lectures in foreign universities, write scientific works and conduct valuable researches.

To sum up, I feel like standing on a rope. I have all that dreams, so my depression isn't deep sharing yet, but everyday stress ruins everything. I feel it, I feel that I'm going to full collapse of my resilience and my will to live. I write everything here, because I can't share this to ukrainian audience, I'm just afraid to be mocked and humiliated, I'm afraid to be told that soldiers are in much bad conditions. I also don't want to make any problems with law to people I love. In my free time I often go to Threads and try to support people who write about their sufferings. That brings me a little peace. I'm really soft person and very kind. Tio kind to bare all the violence around

Thank you and sorry for this, I feel very guilty now.