Tired of randomly crying

Everyday I start crying for no reason when I sit down to work from home. Last time this happened, I did go to therapy with Kaiser. I feel like I already know what they gonna say if I restart it. Plus, I’m not always 100% honest cause I don’t trust them. So, if not be honest, what’s the point?

I must be tired. I live alone with my teen. Divorced. I don’t talk with my family. Even if I did, they are 170 miles away. I have no friends. I work from home so I’m alone all day every day.

Quickly becoming the cat lady now that I have two cats. Kind of regret getting two but also not regretting it. The first cat was what I wanted (shorthair) but lacked some affection. The second cat was too cute to pass up, long hair, super affectionate. But now I have cat hair EVERYWHERE, plus they sometimes beef and will spray the house. I don’t do pissy houses, so I’m scrubbing everywhere with enzyme cleaner and giving them more litter boxes and trying to give them more space from each other. Most days, it’s okay. But then one, my first cat most likely, will spray and that triggers me. But I love them now. They stay.

Work is usually my steady rock and I hate it lately. I manage a platform, and my manager left the same time we got a new VP of Revenue. He became the new interim boss and it was like each meeting my platform is being attacked and I have to prove it’s roi. My anxiety was everywhere. It’s calmed down some. But I have moments where it’s like i have to train you in what my platform is just for you to make decisions on me. Which is weird and unfair. Then my last manager would ask is if we could do x-y-z… now I don’t get asked, I get told after the fact. And *** yeah, I’m feeling some kind of way about it.

I’m on a team where each person manages a different platform and their platforms needs to be developed. Mine can’t, it’s a more finished product out the box sort of thing. I mostly deal with publishers using my platform and I’m cleaning up the database. Well, if I’m doing content governance and they are developing fields and you look at their work and mine it’s different. It’s not a fair comparison. Yet the new manager is making it seem like since I’m not doing all that (developing fields and dashboards) I can take on way more so basically I’m almost being given another platform to co-manage. Didn’t get asked. No talk about a raise… I’m stressed cause I was an administrative assistant before this. I have no degree. I lucked out and moved up with the company I stayed with. Happened before. Moved up. Quit or get laid off and you’re back in entry-level ***.

So I shut up more than I should just so I can keep my work from home position with higher pay since I have no confidence I can get another one on this level. But I’m miserable now for the last 2+ months. Tired of feeling stuck.

One good thing is I’ve been saving. They keep doing large layoffs for the past 3 years around November. Last time, I started rebuilding my cushion. Hit a stumbling block last month. My pool filter started leaking then stopped working. Needed a bunch of work. That was a $2k fix but that’s literally why a cushion is needed besides a job loss. I was grateful to be able to pay and not put it on a credit card. It’ll add a few months to my timeline for saving my cushion (goal 15k) but that’s fine. It really is peace of mind cause if I get laid off it’ll buy me a few months to find work and downsize if needed.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe each day, I just have my moment where I need to cry it out so I can get started but I freaking hate it especially since I be numb, so me crying is me feeling real *** and it feels like too much. Last time I was on meds I was overly happy. Everything was amazing. Then it all became really dull. And I went back to my baseline of being numb. All. The. Time. Well, why take meds just to feel the same? That’s why I went off it. They kept trying to adjust it, it did no good. After the 3rd adjustment failure, I quit.

Now I’m back to randomly bursting into tears. I just give into it when I can. Even if I’m on a zoom. Camera off. Be on mute and let it out. The wipe your face. Turn your camera back on and have something on the screen to look at as you listen. Helps as a distraction. For me at least. Usually it’s Amazon stuff for the house. I can mindlessly shop while listening. Most multitask but if I truly multitask I’m not listening. Not present.

Anyhoo, thanks for letting me vent.