Trauma vent, depression vent, help

I've had really bad depression my whole life, I've never found anything to be included and feeling welcomed in, I never felt the joy and comfort of anything, it's really bad, I can't focus I can't even feel the slightest remorse for what I do, not because I can't think that I did a bad thing but because I don't know how to feel about it, I've never felt any welcome with anything or with anyone, I can't even feel the warmth of things, my mum's bf raped me when I was little, i feel his hands on me, I can't stop thinking about it, I thought it was normal, it's painfully awful and I can't do anything about it, I wish I could just erase it, I can't ever get over it, I also got sexually assaulted and abused when I was little, my classmate used to sexually abuse me and I can't ever feel any better about it, I can't ever think of anything, I'm a guy and I've never had to do bad decisions, I've had to endure pain, abuse in every way, verbal, emotional, psyhicaI have now, my therapist said I might have borderline personality disorder and narcistsic personality disorder, obsessive compulsuve personality disorder too, I hate it, I don't think I have them but I've never felt any comfortable talking sfter that, I wanna start doing drugs because I wanna rip my vocal cords out, I wish to be dead, every night is just a question "Will I do it. Will I ever feel better" and I'll always try and it will always be just try. I can't even think straight.

I've tried making money but I can't find a sustainable money source or a job, I can work in any way since I don't care but I'm overly young, I'm 13 years old but my neighborhood doesn't accept doing jobs around it

What should I do ? :(