Well

TW - past crisis, self-harm

I’m 16 now but ever since I was about 12 my life has felt so hard to live. Everything changes when you turn 13. People looked at me differently, my parents treated me differently, really my life felt like it changed for the worst. I tried to overdose on Benadryl but I accidentally got high instead😭. Though the situation itself is bad, I can look back and laugh at it now. I would do it again. My mom used to be the only one I had but as I grew up, we grew apart. She was meaner and so was I. She hurt me so I hurt myself to hurt her. To show her how she makes me feel, to show her the lengths I’m willing to go to just to be seen and heard by her. My cuts are essentially a cry for help. I wish she’d care. I wish she’d help me. I wish she’d let me talk. I wish she’d believe me. I wish she loved me. I mean I know she loves me of course but, I wish she’d show it or say it. Instead of buying me things, how about you tell me you love me, you’ve always been proud of me, and you’re sorry for making me feel so useless for all these years. You call me lazy all the time, but I do everything you ask of me. It’s always “you’re so lazy” and never “hey are you okay?” I don’t even remember the last time she asked if I was okay or the last time she said she loved me. Tell me that I am deserving of love and happiness. But for now, I’ll have to settle for small gifts as apologies.I’m supposed to overlook the way you make me feel just because you bought me something? Oh ok. I don’t ever like the gifts either. She never gets me things I like, she gets me things she thinks I should like. She knows my style and she hates it. She keeps trying to change me but I don’t budge and she hates that. So she’ll give me gifts she wants me to like. She wants me to be different but I don’t want to change for her. Idk sorry this was kind of a rant but essentially, just started cutting again and I’m not sure what to do. I’m scared for my future and everything else. I’m just scared and sad. She won’t let me out of my room. I haven’t seen my friends in months. She moved away from our old apartment because she didn’t like that I had made so many friends and was able to sieve time with them because we live in the same place. She was upset that I didn’t stay friends with certain people for as long as I’d like to have and every time I ask to do something she reminds me of that. She hates seeing me be happy away from her.