advice/tips/support please

TW: Self Harm

i harmed myself yesterday and the day before and told my bf. he’s worried about me and he doesn’t know if he can keep going with the relationship because i don’t love myself and i don’t have a support group outside of him (i don’t trust anyone as much as him). i was getting better idk why this happens to me i hate it so much every time i get better or start to get better i ha fall down into this bottomless pit. i feel so out of place like a burden. we can’t even be a normal couple or anything bc of my parents (they’re very scrict im not allowed to have guy friends nor a bf and can’t really go out) idk what to do anymore im so so sick and tired and i miss him i feel like i ruined his trip (he was on a cruise) bc of what i did and he told he how he couldn’t eat bc of how worried he was for me. i haven’t been myself either. idk what’s happening i need this to stop.

i can’t get therapy i’ve been searching all over i cant find anything. it needs to be free and all of the ones claiming to be free needs insurance and i can’t have my parents finding out. last time my mom called me an attention seeker for harming myself and i can’t imagine what she’ll do when she figures out that i’ve been paying for therapy. i’m also saving money so atp i’m just stuck and idk what to do. i feel so hopeless like it’s never gonna get better. :(