family isssues
I'm 17 years old, and my parents are so strict that i feel as if I'm a prisoner. none of the hundreds of teens that I've talked to feel this way. my family is extremely toxic.
going to college is my next biggest milestone, but that's extremely expensive and it's causing heavy amounts of stress for my parents. i feel like they take this financial stress out on me, as if i myself chose to be born from them. it's not my fault.
as each day passes, i think about the physical and mental abuse that is thrown to me by them - i don't know what this feeling is but it may be depression. i often feel as if i should've never been born on this Earth or suicidal thoughts, just to remove that stress that I'm causing my parents to suffer.
it's getting worse everyday.
today, i lost my temper and shouted back at my mother (I'm usually always quiet when being lectured), and she started to talk about how she has given up her life for my wellbeing. while that's true and appreciable, i don't think she understands just how much pressure that's being put on me. I'm like a rice cooker waiting to go off.
she started to cry (extremely rare to see her cry).
i want to remove the burden from my parents. i don't know how. this gives me suicidal thoughts.
please help.
I don't like to be a listener but I like to know about people.
let me tell you a little bit about me and I hope you don't mind reading it till the end.
I am an 18 year old girl. I don't have any graduation from any school. believe me.
some people from my religion will choose to go to a religious school where if you don't memorize the whole quran, you don't have any certificate. you imagine that some people memorize it for many years until they're get old and some memorize it in a short years like 2-3 years.
back to my story, i quit that school in march without certificate (means i didn't memorize it all) until now I don't have a job and I don't even have anything to be proud of. and now I'm still looking for a job because I don't have any qualifications to enter university.
my parents are kind of favouritism. they don't even realize it and not admit it. I have a brother who works as a driver for a boss from a company, his salary is 5k malaysia. they love him very much.
this is not a drama.
since I am the last child of 4 siblings, I will do various tasks at home because my sister and brother are already married while my mother and father are getting older and don't want to do anything by themselves.
I'm always get scolded about things that don't need to be scolded. so I got moderate depression. but I have done the best for my life.
My mother is a person who cries easily and difficult to forgive people. whatever she does, I'll tell myself 'it's okay, one day when I leave her, she'll know how much she needs me.'
everyone has different sides and different problems. if you think deeply, nothing can ease the sadness except believing in yourself. You have to be brave and make your own decisions.
if you want to apologize and kiss her cheek, just do it. because if you don't dare to do anything on your own, you will be trapped in the fear of your own creation.
you are human, we are human. have you ever heard 'all human deserve to be happy'. it includes you too. do something that makes you happy and it will automatically make others around you happy.
besides sitting, try to get up and look for new things. if you are trapped in an atmosphere that does not allow you to be free, you should know that happiness not comes from your imaginations. happiness comes from your calmness.
when you are calm, you should smile at them. it was a new day. they choose what they want to say. you also choose what you want. you want to be happy. i know.