feeling very bad

It feels like my soul is dying. I am so empty. There is nothing inside anymore. I have been completely destroyed by evil people in my past. I am so tired of the constant pain. All these motivational videos are saying: "use your pain, and turn it into your power", "use it as a fuel" Well, this "fuel" have been burning ME instead. It remind me of the saying: "when you hold on to resentment, it is like drinking poison and expect the other person to die". That's not the exact words but it's pretty much the same thing. I have been so traumatized, went through way too much heartache, and now, on top of all, i am becoming bitter and hateful towards human kind. I don't wanna be a villain and be a bad person😭

At this point, it feels like i have only two option be a bitter and hateful person, or be nothing at all, just a shell of a person. I never had a chance of a good life. It makes me rage, that everything i had was taken away from me so brutally. I could have had a good future and a promising career. I was doing so well in school. Always wanting to learn more. But i was just bullied and at home it was even worse.

I HAVE BEEN ROBBED. I want everything back. It's been four years since i genuinely felt happy. I am CONSTANTLY miserable. I'm trying, i'm trying, but every time i just fall back. And it hurts. It feels like i am trying to climb a wall that i will never be able to climb anyways! Please, anyone, have you gotten out of a despair so big? Is there really hope? I wanna believe it!!! But i have been so hurt, i can't even trust human kind anymore. I KNOW how ugly life can get. Really ugly. I am jealous of people who don't know how bad it can get. And the worse part is that, even if you think it can't get any worse, then you know what, yeah right, it gets worse. Like how? I think if i will manage  to go out of this depression, i will die at 50 years old of a cardiac arrest or another physical disease because my body has been through way too much. My body feels like it is falling apart. Everything hurts. Every part of my body. I want the old me back. I want to be happy again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so done, so done with being miserable and nobody gives a damn about it. I ended up in the ER once, and later my parents couldn't care less. It's THE WORST heartache ever. I know, it's not great to compare traumas, but still, there's always a degree of intensity. And your parents not caring if you die or live, it's pretty painful, trust me. If i ever make it out of this f up country, i will never come back and try to forget about its existence altogether. I know i shouldn't link a whole country to my trauma but that happened naturally. And i guess it's the same for everyone who had a traumatic experience. You just hate the place where it happened. I wanna go to the furthest country possible, make a new name for myself because i hate mine and it reminds me of my abusers, change everything. I even thought about plastic surgery because i literally wanna destroy anything left from the traumatized me.

I don't get it how war veterans or people who have been through such traumas survive. I am just going crazy with the pain here. I could fill an entire lake with all the tears i have cried recently. I LOOK miserable. My hair looks awful, my skin is all white and yellowish and i basically look like a zombie at this point. I hate my parents neglect and the fact that they abandoned me. I will always hate them. I am stuck in the fight response right now, and i just can't get over my anger and wish of revenge. I read some pretty good stuff about how revenge just makes you feel worse but my brain just doesn't seem to register it. But i'm pretty sure it's because i am near them. I have to increase my distance and cut contact and throw away all the things that remind me of them, my past and the awful country i live in, to finally be able to move on and start properly healing. How am i even supposed to heal if i keep being traumatized?! I have such a bad life. Not the worst sure, but i am in a period of my life where everything goes wrong and it's only heartache and deep sorrow. It's the worst thing that i have ever experienced and if i am not going to get any refund in the future then i will be finally able to say that life is pointless. But for now i don't know. Maybe it will get much worse, a little bit worse, better, much better, completely healed, dead from a disease or whatever. I don't know, i have no idea, but for now i'm still here and i'm gonna do my best. That's it. Thank you for coming to my ted talk. 😭