oh how i long to be yours

I have been thinking about you. How have things been going? 

Well, I am indeed sorry that you have been struggling so much. It does sound like a lot.

It might help to reframe things a bit though. Saying that your mom has done permanent damage to you just makes that damage harder to manage. You aren't going to make her change with those internal thoughts anyway.

So it might help to just focus on what you can do. What kinds of things can you do to figure out the school stuff on your own? Can you organize it better than she does? What subjects are you finding confusing? Maybe I can point you in the direction of some better sources.

As far as the anxiety goes, how are you managing it? Maybe we can come up with a plan to make things easier for you. 

It's okay to mute your emotions sometimes. It can feel a little weird though because the positive stuff fades too. Maybe things will feel better once school ends and you start to see what the future might look like. The waiting is really hard because you are in limbo.

I am always here to listen.

My school ending is a few weeks away. But things are still pretty chaotic. Just trying to focus on what is right in front of me.

I am just waiting. for what, I’m not sure but I can’t really see any way of doing anything that helps you or me. if I could say something without making it awkward, I would

and I realized that when I see you it does hurt, and I do have to rub away an ache in my heart. but I don’t think I knew before just how much it would hurt. I hope that what I see from you is what you’re trying to do, and not just made up, but I also am wishing that you see how much better you could be. not about me, but just who you let around you.

and I hope someday you get people who push you to be the man I know you can be, but I don’t think I’m who you need. I don’t even know if you’re who I need, but I know who I don’t need and the one I need.

so maybe this is a slow goodbye. maybe I may have to give you up, but I will wish you the best when this is over.

seeing you drive away might be exactly what I need. and I hate that my mind goes to the goodbyes but you’ve left me no other choice. and I won’t settle for being the safe option, or the security option, the ‘just-in-case’. and I’m not sorry for protecting myself from you, I’ve seen too many who hurt when they get close enough.

Both of your messages are just so beautiful! You have learned a tremendous amount in the last year and you have really grown up. 

You are being really honest about your feelings with friends which is awesome because you need to know what you need first and then protect that.

Even better, you aren't falling under his spell. It still hurts, but you do deserve better than being with someone who isn't caring for you and doesn't put you in top place. You will eventually find someone better. Some of his reaction now might be a form of regret, but that doesn't mean he has grown up the way that you have. 

I am very proud of all the hard emotional work that you have done. You should be too. 

You are going to make it to the end of the school year. 

I am now back to my every other day schedule. I have never been so completely without internet. It was both good and bad. I hope that things are going well for you as you wrap up the school year.

Hoping things are well with you. I have been thinking about you. 

Keep reminding yourself that you are going to be the same at 18 as you are at 17. It is just a number, not some firm boundary line of adulthood. You will figure out each step along the way. Some things are going to become easier as you are able to get some more independence. 

Some things might be a bit scarier. However, I am always here if you want to talk them through. You have a good head on your shoulders and you will figure out a quality plan. 

Just the amount of opportunities I have. 

I'm hypothetically working at a camp in the mountains next summer, that's a place I went around 5-7 years ago with my family. I'll be over 10 hours away from both parents, which is kinda yay, and I'll be 5 from an aunt that I haven't seen in a while, full yay! 

I got really nostalgic about it back in the beginning of June, and when I say nostalgic I mean nostalgic. It was maybe 5 different times that it kept coming to mind, so eventually I started looking into employment details. Can't argue with the thing that keeps getting put in my face! 

I can choose where I go, with my parents or if I want to stay with my grandparents again, but I also am buying a car once I get back home. (maybe in late August/September) 

WARNING -  someone being mistreated by a community, not graphic or anything horrific 

Today was hard. I had about 2 1/2 weeks where I was on my own, and now that all 3 brothers are here everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is on edge and snappy. My mom is immediate to blame me or discipline me, when she refuses to discipline any of their cleanliness or how they shouldn't be provoking each other or speaking disrespectfully. My grandmother gets all high and mighty, even when I am trying to communicate my feelings healthily, because she "doesn't like it when I refer to things as mine". I had asked everyone to ask before using the groceries I bought with my own money and had stored separately with my name on in sharpie if it was in view.

My littlest brother acts like a drama queen, after I say one thing to him about not doing something, AND he still freaking sleeps with my mother. She has time to admonish me about not going into next steps whenever I am interacting with their mess, BUT she doesn't have time to tell her sons how to pick up a damn towel off the floor, or to take care of the clothes they take off, or how to put food back in the fridge immediately, or that they should flatten wet towels when they put them over a railing. 

Rules matter when I don't follow them, but when they are going off about how they don't like things (like something being pushed into the back of your chair, or leaving the door open and the ac getting wasted) it's not something that they are told "they're being too much" about or "we all have to walk on eggshells around here". 

I literally have asked them to not do things over and over and when I get upset when they do the things, it's MY fault for overreacting. Or when I'm simply stating information to correct my mom, it's attitude or talking back. I have feelings and a face, sorry that it offends you. 

The middle brother had a seltzer can out of the container I bought, and my grandmother only asked about it AFTER he opened and poured it. But when I ask "Next time can you ask before using the food I'm buying", all of a sudden I'm the one being unnecessary. Not one person, but almost five different people start criticizing how I act with things that I've bought for myself. 

I buy my own things so that when I want something or need to not feel neglected, I have something. Maybe it's a trauma response, but no you can't just eat the things that I buy for myself. I have days of hunger and periods when I force myself to eat two meals a day. I actually have told my mom this, but she's saying that "I need to be more selfless"

I got super overstimulated and triggered, because I'm working on food for tomorrow because we had no actual time yesterday and they were wanting me to be part of a conversation where they're trying to gaslight me into thinking I'm the bad guy. 

And now I can't buy the food I need to, because I needed to sit in the bathroom and cry for 20 minutes. And of course not full streaming tears, but just heavy pants and silent tears. 

This is why I feel so much lighter when I'm not constantly being pressured for 15 different reasons, and why I go back and forth with my emotions so much. I'm serving in a capacity at our childhood church, and have more things to do outside of the time we're there, but of course I'm required to go to beaches when I don't like swimming/sand. 

Other thing that took up way more time today, was that we have a young adult within the community who's struggling with a lot; not exactly sure what and how it affects how he treats everyone else, and he felt very much neglected with how he wasn't communicated to clearly this past week. He's rumored to be a bit of a player, which I think/hypothesize comes from not having someone stable who cares for him verbally, and apparently is a terrible worker who doesn't do anything well. 

I don't know what to think, but I think he needs someone who's really willing to challenge him and I don't know if he's had anyone who's determined + forgiving + compassionate + communicates healthily.

I picked up on weird vibes immediately, and realized that not only was he "demoted" from doing something substantial for the whole 3 hours of VBS; he wasn't asked any questions about the camera he OWNS and USED ALL WEEK last summer. The woman in charge just assumed that he would A: flirt with me, B: not be able to get pictures off of the NEW camera quickly, C: be able to work with someone else?, D: do a good job with anything else. He got moved off of games crew, assumedly because his buddies were there, or because something else is going, and then one person told him that my brother couldn't be helping him (with audio/visual, my brother did av for me the last two years and this guy has no desire/experience with actual av) but thanked said brother for helping [this guy] 

He said it's been going on for two years, and what I heard from everyone else was that he "wasn't a good worker", "a ***" (According to the teens mentor, who I respect very much, but less now), "hasn't finished a single job ever", "a typical blonde", "a bit of a womanizer", and several other assumptions when things weren't done or done well. (sometimes because he wasn't there to do said thing) 

I trust the adults here, they've known me since I was a baby or since before, but I was very uncomfortable with how they treat him. After hearing my mom talk to the teens mentor's wife, I had this intuitive feeling that something was wrong. If they treat him like a ***, or like a terrible worker, or a b*mb waiting to explode; he's going to be a ***, or a terrible worker, or he's going to explode. Of course, I understand that he's difficult to challenge, but he needs to be taken seriously and someone needs to try with 100% effort, before you just write him off. 

He's had a rough childhood, yes, BUT that means he's had to do (and has to do) a ***-ton of growing and maturing in a short couple of years. So if he starts messing around with the "wrong sort of people" and not taking stuff seriously, maybe he learns from it. He is thinking about growth, even if he's being a little unaware. HE IS MAYBE 19, MAYBE EVEN 20, BUT HE IS STILL A FREAKING KID. 

Usually young men don't mature as quickly as young women, and anyway we don't have our full brain development until we're 25. If you all are noticing him having a rough time, please just make sure that he knows that you are willing to challenge him and help him grow. Cause if he doesn't know that, and feels like he's being coddled or left alone OR if you just challenge him without the patience and humility to walk with him through it (and are prepared to withstand any storms), he will feel hurt and he will not want to join the group when he's treated like a threat. 

He's mentioned leaving my childhood church several times, and apparently no one thinks that someone could actually help him grow or that he actually might have a serious side. he fully burn-d himself on a spotlight monday, and not only did he not act all tuff he collapsed into giggles. Like he-backed-up-about-20-feet-to-the-stairs-and-then-fell-on-the-ground giggles. We have a little balcony for our tech, and we did our best to hysterically giggle quietly, but my stomach hurt from laughing. But when I told the story "he probably did it on purpose". 

Maybe he's a little silly, and acts dumb occasionally, (like seeing the words WARNING HOT and touching said hot object with his forearm), but you shouldn't be calling him a *** or a typical blonde, and you should definitely not be confining him to the humor coping mechanism of the young men of the age. 

I had "professional" convos with him twice, both about the vbs details because we're the only people who don't really have a team leader and were supposed to be collab-ing on photography, and if you talk to him seriously and actually listen to him, he gets serious and acts "his age". Not once did he flirt with me after I made it clear that I am here to make sure things get done efficiently. He did hang around me, but maybe that's cause I actually asked him a question when he has the answers instead of assuming and I took him seriously.

I understand that the women in my life are worried about him corrupting me or whatever the *** they think he could do, but I fully saved my "ex" from su-cide for about 1 year or even 1 1/2 years. He has said so himself, and even though we're not in contact now we're both better for it. They could've been worried when I was struggling on my own, through my parents separating, or when I burnt out academically after having to homeschool myself, or even taking my anxiety and depression seriously. But no they choose to worry about me being a support for someone who's known to be struggling. I have several male friends that I have fully platonic relationships with, and several who I've cut off to be respectful of their inability to distinguish my friendship from flirting. And I did that all myself, with a bit of help of a platonic guy-friend, so I think I'll be able to handle someone who struggles with dating.

I am literally the best person to do so, as I am fully ace (at this point) and don't struggle with people looking "hawt" or "cute". I do struggle with eye contact, fun fact!, but if anyone could help and be a support to someone who's (I hate this, "a player") it might be me. 

This turned into a bit of a rant, and I ended up calling my dad for an hour to ask for advice from a neutral party, but I just don't feel right about the whole situation. I know when I'm sensing stuff, after several situations where I was able to pick up on stuff, and this feels way more important than everyone makes it out to be. I've been paranoid on the whole "I'm the funny guy act" since said ex, but I do feel like it's one of my strengths. My therapist says I have a big heart, and I know that I do, but it's fully friendships that everyone makes out to be flirty. I care 200% for everyone, my coworkers, my friends, usually my family (/s); and I think he understands that. Am I perfect? *** no, but I am trying to be the best version of me. 

I am anxious about asking more prying questions, but might wait to see how he responds to my last text. I got kinda paranoid about my text tone, as he sounded kinda testy "I understand", and expressed that I was feeling the bad vibes just as much as he was. And also tested the question waters, just saying "don't take my words for fact, because I don't really know what's going on" : which is 100% true, but also I'm only here for a month and haven't really interacted with him much. Hopefully he comes up with something that I can play off of and be a little more challenging rather than just empathizing. 

Enough about me...🤣🤣🤣🤣 How's this past week been? How's your back feeling, and how are you feeling with everything with your sister? Sorry for the long post, but I needed to sit and type it all out before tomorrow morning. Sending light for you and your family, and praying that things stay "better-normal". 💜💖🫶

@bestVase7265