really messed up my personal friendships

Hey everyone, this is the first time I'm using this app. I used to be able to afford therapy and medications, but I can't afford it right now. My family struggles to even buy enough groceries for everybody at the moment. 🥲

I started college back in August and got into a selective but difficult program in the healthcare field. There's a lot of pressure to do well because patients are on the line at this career, and I've been trying my best to do well but I feel like I'm the most stupid person in my class.

I bit off a lot more than I can chew, and I've been very stressed about schoolwork since it started. However, that isn't the root of the issue of why I'm posting here...

I've become a really awful person to my close friends, and I've pushed and isolated myself from everyone I knew outside of my family. A bad fight happened back in late August that ended up with me taking a break from my friend group. After the fight happened, I had to sit down and talk about the issue, and that fight was resolved, but no one was really talking to me still and they were avoiding me.

They hung out with everyone else in the friend group normally, but whenever I came into the picture, things were always very tense. Due to my stress with schoolwork and the emotional toll of resolving the fight, I didn't have the energy to chase people down and ask what was wrong.

I was really hurt and really sad - at one point in the week, two friends had close birthdays to one another and even had birthday parties to celebrate with everyone. But because of the fight, I didn't come. It was painful because I really love my friends and wanted to be with them, and I felt really left out.

My mental health got worse over the course of those days following after, and I ended up going to my worst coping method and isolating myself. In a frenzy at 3AM, I unfriended everyone I knew on social media, cut off contact with everyone, and announced I was going off grid abruptly.

Cut to a few weeks later, after being essentially friendless and alone and living with the consequences of my actions, I reached out to a few friends again and asked to communicate with me via text, instead of our typical social media sites. I wanted to have a connection again and realized my isolation was doing me worse than helping, and thought the few friends I contacted would be open to talking to me and begin to feel comfortable again if I merged slowly back into the group like this.

They were, and things were fine for a bit - until I exploded at one friend that I was the closest to, and told her that it was a mistake to ask her to talk to me, because she felt so distant and unavailable compared to how we were before.

She told me that she was busy and I was relying on her too much, and that although she wanted to support me, it was hard to adjust to this form of communication and things were hard adjusting in general after I cut her off and all our friends just like that, and expect things to be OK between us.

I told her back that I just wanted things to feel normal again, and thought that I wasn't asking for much to just talk to her like we used to. She told me it was too much to ask, in the context of everything else, and that hurt. A lot. I left that conversation after, saying I couldn't give her the respect she was asking of me right then.

I was really angry after that conversation. I felt really betrayed by her, and that everyone was out to get me. My life was falling apart everywhere else; I found out I have health issues that need to be treated, but I'm on a waitlist I don't know how long it's going to take (and reminder, struggling to even afford groceries right now), my classes were getting harder in harder in school.

I had five tests coming in the next two weeks, and my teachers still expected us to do the same amount of homework we always do every other week, and I was working so hard every day to get good grades only to do badly.

I was sad, lonely, and every day waking up was another reminder after reminder I was alone and it was my fault because I left all of my friends.

I was miserable. To my mind, my friend telling me that it was too much to talk to her, and wws telling me I'm selfish and didn't think about other people. And all I could think of was how angry I was to be accused that.

I went to my another friend I had reached out to to talk, and asked her if I was pressuring her to act normal around me, and that I was sorry if I was.

This led to a conversation where she eventually told me that although it was uncomfortable, she would have rather have the discomfort talking to me than nothing at all.

I brought up what our other friend said, saying how she said I was asking for too much, and shared what she said, and my friend got very angry at me.

She told me I was twisting up what she said, and making it out to vilify her when she was just trying to help me. And that out of everyone, that friend of ours was the one that sat with me offering to help and took so much time out of her day to want to support me.

I blew up at her back after, and denied twisting up our friend's words. I told her straight up that I was reading everything as very hostile right now, and that was how I read into her words. I wasn't trying to lie, but that it genuinely felt that way to me.

I told her that nobody could help me right now (outside of therapy and meds I can't reach), and that I've been mentally unstable for a good few weeks now and suicidal, so that the person that would be reasonable and listen to logic right now wasn't here.

I said that all I've been doing ever since September started is trying to survive day-by-day, and if she thought that I was being crazy and shutting down everyone trying to help me, then go ahead and do so, but to stop talking to me too.

And all she sent in reply was a meme and "bruh" and left.

I'm sorry this was so long. I just don't know how to explain this situation without everything else in context because it has so many layers.

I don't want to be crying victim and say that it was all of my friends fault, and that they were wrong and I'm right. I don't want people to be biased to me. That's the last thing I want.

I'm reaching another point in my depressive episode where I'm feeling somewhat stable again despite everything, and I'm just looking back in horror at everything I've done. I don't feel like me.

I think my friends underestimated the amount of times I told them that I'm not mentally well right now.

Usually, I'm a very calm person that listens to every side and considers people before myself. I always want to resolve things and make it better. I wasn't like that at all this time.

The "bruh" my friend sent me makes me feel like a joke, and that everything I've gone through this past month has been something I should've been able to control. I feel so awful for twisting up my friend's words, because even if I felt that way, both of my friends were right. I was reading it wrong.

I just feel so lost. I don't know if I should stay in that friend group anymore - not because of them, but because of me. I feel like I've walked past a point where I've burned too many bridges to come back. I feel crazy, but also still so angry and upset, but so lonely too. I want to apologize to them, but I'm still not in a place where I think I can without getting angry if they tell me (rightfully so) that how I acted was wrong and repeat the process all over again where I get salty and complain.

I have to see if I can beg my family to help me (and feel like a burden on them) or wait to see if I can try to get a job and scrape up money to afford the therapy and meds myself. I still have all of my schoolwork I have to do and other responsibilities. I'm drowning and overworked and so tired and so sad and I just want to give up. Someone please help me.