reasons for latest depressive episode, besides heredity [brain dump]

Normally I'd post this in my journal, but similar entries are already in it & this time, wise advice would be good. Soooo:

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Am in my ratty little apartment now because, as always, I don't have anyplace better to go.

Yesterday afternoon I talked to a neighbor (one of the few I know) & found out his rent will go up by $300. His place isn't worth what he's paying now--none of the units in this anthill are--but he has nowhere else to go, either. In his case he has a couple friends who will help him out... If mgmt is raising his then at some point, they will raise mine also. When? Could be next year or in '25, who knows?... The point is when the rent goes up, I probably won't be able to cover it. Only thing left to do will be to buy a tent & a bedroll with good insulation, & camp as best I can. There is no other option for the foreseeable future.

This past week I was mostly stuck inside my place due to my main condition flaring up, which in turn triggered my depression. I skipped meals here & there. Finally got out this evening to a pool hall/club I'd only been inside once before...to rediscover that 1) karaoke is a horrible idea & to face the inevitable: 2) the night life bores me. Because I am too old for it.

After that I learned an acquaintance (not a close one but she's basically decent) has decided to leave my state of residence & return home. I don't blame her.

Am past my prime, & have been for a few years now. "35 & hanging on for X years" is not funny.

I feel like my creativity is slowly dwindling as of late, like a spring that was once gushing is becoming a slow trickle...& will one day dry up completely.

I have chronic conditions, one of which significantly limits my life & has removed much of what pleasure I previously found in it (& often there wasn't a great deal of it before my condition's onset!) Because of that, my aversion to people in general & too many years out, I'm not too employable despite having a bachelor's. (It's a useless one. Note to the young'uns on here: Do not pick a liberal arts major. Ever. If it's not a STEM-related degree then you'll have a rough time paying down your college debt afterward)

There are few successes to my name; those I can speak of are not considered achievements by most.

The most likely future I face at some point is that of solitude & homelessness, with inevitably increasing dangers. (The streets are for the young & tough, not the middle-aged or old & fragile)

...& it all runs together at once. At which point the dark fog rolls through my brain.

The only upside I can see is that all of it is temporary, that this life is so brief...that after such suffering & misery in so little time, we shed our mortal coils & enter the Void of oblivion that was for billions of years before we were conceived.
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