saying, uncharacteristically
[CW: self-destructive ideation]
I was in one of the chat rooms tonight/last night (it's 0-dark-hundred now)...I shared. Just checking in. Then I stayed & listened for a while, & everyone's words blipped up the screen, & it all gradually blurred together & my eyes drifted shut...then I realized I'd slumped down in my chair & that if I didn't get up I would regret it later. The fog started rolling forward inside my head again. I left the room.
I went to bed & stared at the ceiling again...it all came back. Sooner or later it always does.
My first diagnosis was of "dysthymia" in my mid-teens. Since then the years passed, I did the things I did; I made the decisions I made. Some of them weren't the smartest ones. One of the drawbacks of being alive is that every move is irrevocable: once you f*** up, there is no opportunity to do it differently. There are no second chances. Time has no rewind button.
On top of that, I learned too much. Far too much to ever believe in any kind of heaven. There may be other dimensions I am unaware of but thus far, I haven't seen incontrovertible evidence of any. When my life subscription expires I will start to decompose, then rot. In a few years I will be forgotten by whoever knew me (not many do), & it will be as if I'd never existed...which, if I'm being honest, I would prefer had been the case from the beginning. That way I would never have gone through all this cr@p.
Lately it has occurred to me that the default mental state psychiatric/psychological treatments are intended to bring you to, may not be sanity after all. It's like being happy or "well adjusted" requires a kind of blindness. If sorrow is temporary & you're truly content, your eyes are at least half-closed.
As I stare at the ceiling, the old problem returns... > half my life is gone. I have morbid tendencies (obviously). Am on medicine now but I still have depressive episodes because of my chronic ailments that will never go away. I can look forward to more head pain, vertigo, ringing in the ears, joint pain & intestinal disturbances. And allergies. Suffering is guaranteed; pleasure is not & when it comes, it is fleeting. Staring upward in the dark, I think: is this it? 20 to 25 more years of this s***, & then it's all over? That's all there is to look forward to?
Isn't it strange how death is something you can fear & want at the same time...
I have a few achievements to my name. I've known a few interesting people (some of them interesting in all the wrong ways); I've seen many things & done more things. I've made a lot of art. But all things considered, I would rather not be here. And finding reasons to keep breathing is getting difficult.
Lately, my antidepressant med doesn't seem to be working too well...Should I keep taking it daily? I don't see much point if it isn't doing what it's supposed to.
Man i completely get what you're going through. I have had dysthymia since i was 24. 33 years later, same ole same ole. I've battled with it so much I'm numb. No meds works. Not even ketamine. My episodes happens about 4 times a year. Last for 5 days and then 3 weeks to get out of the hole it made. It's completely changed my personality. I basically live like a hermit, don't go anywhere or do anything. Being in places with lots of people is a nightmare for me. I find myself hoping the end comes soon
I don't think there's much uplifting about my reply to you, but i wanted you to know your not alone. Not many out there with this diagnosis. I hope you find your peace soon.
Would you want to share what does make you feel the antidepressants don’t work anymore?
@pinkCherry1313 The fact that I go through depressive episodes now, for one... For years they were quite rare, & always a reaction to some kind of major stress in my life (usually had to do with my main chronic condition). In the last few months, the episodes have occurred more often...not a lot. Certainly not every day or regularly. But I've noticed the change.
I might be asking some ignorant questions so bare with me (or let me know it it doesn’t help) :)
In general, do you have any idea what works best for you here? Could it be expressing yourself and being heard? Could it be someone trying to understand? Would it feel right to try figuring something out together with someone or it doesn’t sound right?
I believe I understand being depressed from my own experience. But I am not sure what depression episodes are. Are those only times when depression thoughts appear or get much louder than usually?
Do you think that something has changed recently that could make your situation more vulnerable? Less contact with people maybe? The winter keeping you alone at home or something?
@pinkCherry1313 No, your questions are fine. I'm kind of a stickler for spelling & grammar...so I must tell you: it's "bear with me".
(Sorry about that) 🤓
An episode is when whatever mental illness one has is active. When one is not going through an episode one is feeling fine, or at least not too s**tty.
Yes, I don't talk to that many people...that's not a deciding factor since I'm not a social butterfly & have my reasons for it. I don't need or want a lot of friends, just one or two good ones. When it comes to friends, quality is much more important than quantity.
Aging (my youth is gone) & chronic illness are major factors in my depression these days...not much can be done about those banes of my existence.
@slowdecline48
I see. Thank you for explaining.
I don’t like crowds too. Quiet and meaningful is better for me.
I can’t complain about my health so I am likely not best suited to be supportive on this. But know that I wish it could be better for you.
I was just thinking how much one real connection can change how I feel. I started to wonder how many depressions would not exist if the people had at least one deep connection with someone.
If there was ever a time when this website helped me get through it...that time is long past.
@slowdecline48
Will you tell me more?
No.
I hope it’s not because of something I said
@pinkCherry1313 No, not at all...you've been great in this thread. It's just that I will only discuss so much personal stuff, then no more.
Tell me something less personal than. What is the weather like at your place now. Or if you tried something yummy recently?
At the moment it's cool...was a little breezy about a half-hour ago. The wind has d1ed down.
Is it nice enough for walking outside?
