things just kind of are a mess

hi um… im not that great at expressing my emotions but i think im going through serious seasonal depression. im always tired and unmotivated and i’m completely drained of most of my energy, especially when it comes to talking to people — which is already hard for me — and doing easy things like brushing my teeth or washing my face. i don’t really know how to help myself; i have a therapy appointment tomorrow but i worry that i won’t be able to voice my thoughts, because, for all i know, i could go entirely nonverbal.

in regards to the general idea of showing people emotions, i’ve had to adapt and put on a façade by watching other people express theirs and mimicking them. i’m autistic and usually can’t form the connection between an emotion, how i’m supposed to react, or even exactly what would constitute that emotion and what i would need to feel, so i just copy other people and hope people won’t see through it. the reason my therapist might not think anything is wrong is because of that masking. but, knowing my therapist, she’ll probably know something is up.

overall, i’m just so worried for… well, myself, for lack of a better way to put it. there’s something extremely wrong with me, and i’m grateful i have a therapist and close friends to help me through it, but… i just don’t know. i usually self-mediate, but i can’t do that if i am unstable and, therefore, if i am presented with an inability to help myself.

thank you for reading if you did; i’m not much of a venter very often, but right now i feel like both me and my crippling depression need a safe space. thank you again. <3