this is gonna take a while.

//tw: negative sad stuff (if you don't need this negativity, i encourage you to find a more positive post and to have a good day <3)

my mom has been a central character in my life, and by extension a lot of my posts. at least it feels that way, anyway, since i don't post much. it isn't without reason. as long as i can remember, she's always been dictating the ways in which i think, feel, and behave. apparently im meant to be always happy and willing to do whatever she says without question. and if i dont? then im some ungrateful overdramatic brat. i WISH i could be happy. i DON'T want to be like this. i hate it. and i think that with time the way she treats is slowly destroying me. i can barely make a basic desicion, im in a constant state of overthinking and fear, im easily irritable/emotional, among many other things. basically everything she wouldn't want me to be. i want to try therapy SO bad, but i know thats not going to happen for a little while longer. im trying to hang in there, but its hard. im worried that when i finally CAN go to therapy, there'll be so much to unpack that i wont even know where to start. :/