trust n stuff .
my mom doesn't trust me anymore. which is understandable, given that i've driven myself so far away from everything she stands for. i asked if she still loved/cared about me, and she just said "i have to".
i don't WANT to defy her. i don't WANT to go behind her back, just to be able to have a semi-functional life. but every time i've tried to talk something out with her, be it my sexuality, any wrongdoings in my life, my loneliness, or just about anything, really... i get judged. scolded. treated like the most disgusting lowlife scum of the earth for even talking to her. i feel guilty for even posting this; i feel like i have it easy, compared to many. but this place is the only place i feel heard. a diary can only do so much, nobody in my family is of any help, and proper therapy/counseling isn't a viable option right now.
@tokkittalgi
It sounds like you’re navigating a really painful situation with your mom, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. It’s incredibly difficult to feel judged by someone you care about deeply, especially when you’re trying to be open and honest about your life. It’s understandable to feel conflicted—wanting to connect with her while also feeling the need to live authentically.
Feeling like you have to hide parts of yourself can be really isolating. It’s clear that you’re trying to balance your own needs and desires with the expectations you feel from her. That tension can create a lot of guilt and sadness, especially when you’re seeking understanding and acceptance.
You mentioned feeling like you have it easy compared to others, but it’s important to recognize that your experiences and struggles are valid, regardless of how they compare to someone else’s. Everyone’s journey is unique, and your feelings matter.
In moments when you feel unheard, it might help to explore ways to express yourself that feel safe for you. This could be through writing, art, or even finding communities where you feel accepted. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and offer a sense of belonging.
Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own emotional well-being. You deserve to be heard and to live authentically. Your feelings and struggles are important, and it’s commendable that you’re seeking ways to express them.
Below are some ideas that might help you as you navigate this situation:
First, journaling can be a great way to process your feelings. Writing about your experiences and emotions may provide some clarity and relief.
Also, consider practicing mindfulness. Techniques like deep breathing or meditation can help ground you when things feel overwhelming, allowing you to connect with yourself in a gentle way.
Setting boundaries with your mom might also be important. Reflecting on how to protect your emotional space could help reduce feelings of hurt during difficult conversations.
Finding a supportive community can make a significant difference. Connecting with others who share your experiences can help you feel less isolated and more understood.
Engaging in hobbies or activities you enjoy can provide a welcome distraction and reinforce your sense of self outside of your family dynamics.
If you feel ready, think about trying to communicate your feelings to your mom again. Using “I” statements can express your perspective without making her feel attacked.
Remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to care for yourself through this process. You deserve support and understanding.