trying to figure out what to do

I’m on here because I recently had a talk with my partner and she wants me to be honest with my psychiatrist. I have a psychiatrist that I have to video call with every few months for ADHD, but I’ve never told him about feeling depressed. I’m never honest on those mental health questionnaires because I don’t want to talk about how I actually feel and risk making people worry. 

Most of the time I’m fine and can function. I’m outwardly happy and am pretty much always cracking jokes, though I’m somewhat quiet sometimes. I’m capable of feeling happiness in some situations, especially in my relationship. I love my partner a lot, and she’s the main reason I’ve been thinking more about getting help. I don’t want to burden her/make her feel like my happiness depends on her, and I really don’t want to hurt her. We’ve talked a bit but she doesn’t know too much, since I’m not good at talking about this stuff and I don’t want to worry her. I think she gets the idea, but I sort of become physically incapable of speaking any time I try to tell her I’m depressed. I don’t even know if I actually have depression because most of the time I’m fine. I’m not happy, but I get by and I do what I’m supposed to do. I don’t think I’m usually overwhelmingly sad, I’m just kinda sad all the time. 

Sometimes I have bad days where I get in my head and start thinking too much, and I cope with substances and bad decisions. I don’t want to do anything drastic because that’s selfish and would hurt the people around me. I just want some sort of accident to happen. 

I almost never take my ADHD meds because they make my head less chaotic, which makes it harder to distract myself with random stuff. When I’m focused, every day becomes a bad day. 

A few days ago I had a bad night, and ended up drinking and smoking. It was the first smoke I had after quitting 5 months ago, and I smoked the whole pack. I walked around in the rain for a few hours and laid down in a cemetery until the sun started coming up. 

I don’t think it’s good that I feel like this, but it’s all I know. I’ve felt like this for most of my life, and I don’t know if I have it in me to try to get better. I think I’m also scared to get help because I don’t know who I’d be if I was happy. 

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I think I need help, but don’t know how to ask so I’m just ranting on the internet instead. Any advice would be appreciated.