5:30AM - Sleepless Night.
I want to die. It's a fact of life, has been since I was a preteen, even if just a little bit.
After many unsuccessful attempts, I decided I needed a permanent method.
I walked to the train track at the end of my road, the train was coming within 15 minutes.
As I made my way to the edge, my feet grew heavy and I was sick.
I took this as a sign, a waiting sign, not yet, too soon.
I walked home unsure whether my mind was racing so fast that I couldn't process the thoughts just as the world spins so fast, we don't even feel it or quite the opposite, my mind was so empty and desolate, nothingness.
Either way, I knew I made the right decision but it was a temporary one, I'm not sure how long I can keep the waiting game up, patience isn't my strong suit.
@IronicSarcasm I hope you are feeling better. This is some heavy stuff. Know that we are a strong community and are here for you.
@NightTime01 Thanks x
TW: suicide
Thank you for sharing, @IronicSarcasm. It takes courage to be honest about one's mental state. Suicidal ideation is an extremely exhausting and challenging thing to battle, but not impossible. When our brains are in a lot of pain, which is really hard to pinpoint, because of the depression's nature, they tend to look for the quickiest way to end it. You are so tired, so beat down by the same vicious cycle of low mood - seemingly neverending, everlasting pit of despair - that you just want to opt out. You want to stop your suffering, and not to die per se. You want to quit, because you've stopped believeing that there is any chance for improvement or even for the slightest change for your situation. You want something better for yourself, but it seems impossible, so the suicide thoughts appear.
Still, no one wants to fear themselves while walking on the street. No one wants to hide all of the sharp objects in their homes, just beacuse their must be a chance to hurt themselves. No one wants to battle with their brain every freaking minute just to exist and drag your body through the day. It's not your fault that you have those urges, but please don't give in to your thoughts, because they are not trustworthy. They are not your real longings, but the symptoms of a mental disorder. They are a signal from your brain that something is wrong and that it needs help, because no living creature wants to die, but is driven to prolong their existence as much as possible.
I'm glad that you turned to out community, because there are a lot of members here who experience the same thing in their life, including me. May I ask how are you feeling recently? Do you receive any treatment or follow any self-care plan for yourself? Also, i recommend checking out this website - it has practical infromation how to cope with suicide thoughts, which I find very helpful.
I'd love to hear from you, lovely. Sending you all of my strength!
@Celaeno
Thank-you, I agree.
This community is a wonderful place on the internet and I'm surprised it's not as popular as it should be.
I'm still not feeling too good but I'm currently working with DBT and I am trying, thanks for your kind words xxx
@IronicSarcasm, it's good to hear that you are doing as much as you can. It's enough.
Take good care of yourself, lovely! Lots of hugs!
