Does it ever go away?
Hey, I'm Amy. I'm female. I'm 22. And I don't have anything figured out.
I've been depressed as long as I can remember.
I try to ignore it, thinking that if I sleep, I will wake up and it'll be gone, like a headache sometimes does. But it doesn't go away, no matter how much I sleep or eat or cry or hurt myself. I don't know anyone that overcame it, especially on their own.
I'm told to get over it. That everyone has bad days.
But it's not a bad day, it's a bad life.
I don't know what I'm even supposed to say on here.
But there it is.
I'm going to try to get into doing crafts, maybe doing something for someone else will help, I dunno.... the only time my issue took notice is when I was hospitalized for attempted suicide. But once I came back home.. it was quickly forgotten in less than two weeks. People went about their day as normal.
People call it being an attention "hogger", although we know what it's REALLY called.
"Attention" has been given a bad rep. But the thing people forget is that everyone needs a healthy, HEALTHY, dose of attention, not too much but not too little.
When a child grows up to be a teenager then an adult but never being validated...
You start to feel worthless. People need to be validated or they will act out in the only ways they will be noticed.
My mother never played dolls with me or did make-up or braided my hair.
My father took my fishing once and yelled at me because he expected me to magically know how to use a fishing rod when he put it in my hands.
Constantly saying "how stupid are you" or "you've got to be kidding me."
Another time he told me to look for a Phillips screwdriver... I was looking for the brand, like Craftsman. I was 7 years old, I had no idea what a Phillips screwdriver was. And instead of my father explaining that it looked like a "(plus sign) +" or an "X (ex)", he yelled at me saying that I was a "stupid idiot".
Way to go parents, give yourself a round of applauce.
My father is abusive, racist, sexist, homophobic, "christian", and a huge hypocrite.
My mother is a "by-stander", I dubbed her that based on her never doing anything to stop him hurting me and my brothers. She could have, but choose not to. She's a coward, despite her being a victim too, she's worse than him. She choose to stay with him, marry him, and have his three kids.
If it was just her, whatever, but she had children and she never protected us.
By the time she grew the spine to help us, the damage had been done.
She still clings to my little brother too much.
He is 18 and misses sleeping in the same bed with her.
That's not normal, but she doesn't care, she never cared enough to free us.
So now my little brother has a tainted view of love, he stalks girls.
My older brother is 23 and he's in jail.
My father keeps spending money he doesn't have.
And I'm here living with my cousin, the only person to ever risk jail time to protect me, just trying to stay alive.
It's bad when cutting and burning and suicide becomes a regular thing in ones house.
Setting knives aside for that specific reason so you don't ruin the other kitchen knives.
*sigh*
So there. I introduced myself.
Hi
Amy, I'm sorry to hear you're having this hard time. Life can be so difficult to understand and sometimes there just are no answers. I wish I had the words to bring you comfort but all I can say is I care and if I could make things better I would. I suffer from depression and anxiety/panic attacks and it's pretty scary at times. I can relate to thoughts of suicide too, my Mom passed away three months ago and she was my last relative I had in this country, so I feel so very alone now. Except for my dog, she keeps me company and helps me get through each day.I love her so much. Just remember Amy that things don't always stay the same, I've had good times in my life and bad times. I hope that you experience some great times soon.
bless you
Brian
Hi
Hello Amy. Your post really tugged at my heartstrings.
I can definitely relate to your feelings of inadequacy and confusion. I too have struggled with this all my life and it hasn't really changed at all.
You have had a very difficult life, it is perfectly normal for you to feel so depressed because of it. That's a lot for anyone to handle but you're doing the right thing by reaching out. None of us want to live with this horrible feeling forever, we want to overcome.
I sense that you probably don't want to hear what I have to say next but I feel like I must. Have you ever thought about or made an attempt to see a therapist? The things you have had to live through and endure are not easy things to overcome. It could take a long time. Healing and overcoming is a long, rough process and I don't think it is possible to do that without support. We all need support, we all need to feel validated, and we all deserve to have someone helping us to get better.
What you said about bad days is particularly striking because there is a difference between a "bad day" and a depressed persons bad day that people can't seem to grasp. Either they truly don't understand that everyone feels different emotions at different levels of intensity or they would rather ignore what's right in front of them.
I definitely understand the need for attention. My own parents also didn't really pay much attention to me, didn't acknowledge me, didn't validate me. They made me feel like everything I did was wrong. Everyone was always jealous of me being an only child because they thought that meant I get all the attention in the world and get spoiled rotten, not the case at all.
Parents aren't perfect. Some are worse than others. But there is also a sense of their own childhood in them that governs how they live their lives. They do what they know and have been taught. It's not right but you can't change them, but you can change the way you live your life going forward from this. Being alive doesn't have to be as horrible as it is now, as humans we go through a lot of change and have the power to make changes within ourselves.
There is nothing wrong with seeking help for what you are dealing with, it's normal, it's healthy. The things you dealt with clearly still affect you, maybe even haunt you. You want things to magically improve but you still carry these burdens because you haven't let them go or moved past them, you can't, they're still open wounds. Finding a support system will help these wounds to heal.
Your life was not made to be lived in misery. You are worth way more than that.
Lots of love - DA
@discreetAcres6234
I've had counselors and therapists my whole life.
I'm not sure therapy has gotten much serious attention until teenagers started dropping dead.
I'm supposed to do something called DBT.
I tried getting a therapist this year.
We went in and did the paper work and I wasn't able to see anyone until a month later, but then when the time came; she got sick, the next month; she had vacay, the next month; a new girl that I was assigned to had quit.
I couldn't stand that.
It felt like I was an open book that needed to be read but I was just left open.
Soooo.... I just the book and said "eef it" to waiting anymore.
@BeautyIsTheBeast That's a shame. Finding useful therapy is difficult, sometimes you and the therapist don't click and other times other things happen that make it frustrating rather than helpful.
I noticed that you haven't mentioned any friends. Have you got people in your life who you feel supported and cherished by? Have you ever talked to someone you're close to about how you feel?
@discreetAcres6234
They don't see it. They know I'm depressed but they think it comes like a normal persons bad day.
@BeautyIsTheBeast that must be difficult. I find that the only friends who actually understand are the ones who struggle with the same things. A lot of people who haven't experienced depression don't understand what it feels like and you can't really teach them either.
But their lack of understanding doesn't make your feelings less valid. Only you can truly know how you feel. I'm sorry that the people in your life don't make you feel validated in the way you deserve. Being depressed is hard enough without people making you feel like it's something that will pass easily or that the way you feel is silly.
I think you made a good choice coming here. You've opened yourself up and in return people have supported you and empathised with you. We want you to get better and beat your demons, we want happiness for you.
@discreetAcres6234
Well, it's not like I haven't tried before and before... I used to go to this chatroom about depression and therapy and all they did was bully people. They would make death threats and the youngest ones believed them... heck, I believed them, they found out stuff about my family that I didn't even know, until I checked with my family, I was scared of those guys, creeped me the fuuu out. The only reason I stayed was because they were my age group and I didn't have to be filtered. And to me, cursing is my way of expressing intense emotions. And then you have those people that curse every 2 words and they're just annoying, I can't tell if they're pissed off or what.
Anyways, I have a few people in my online life that I call close, even though we've never met. And then there's my cousin... he's had depression but his is what you call "situational depression" where he is only really depressed because of the situation he is in or environment. Which, I think, that's how most started out as personally.
Once he got a job at a steam plant which paid handsomely, he was able to pay off debts, pay his bills, pay off his personal debts also, eat healthy again, hangout with friends, he could buy near clothes, pay off and buy insurance, over all; money was helped get him piece of mind and get himself back up off his ass and because he had a job, he didn't feel as pathetic. He was stress free and just like that, depression went poof. But he was lucky, his friend had hooked him up to TransAlta and that's how he got the job... until all the stupid environment crazy people shut it down, then he was left jobless. That's what pisses me off about people who are crazy for "going green" or whatever, it's like; you wanna shut down a steam plant? Fine, but in return give all the workers the same paying job at a job with the same skill needs. Otherwise you leave tens of thousands of people jobless.... so he slumped back into depression because of the situation. He got another job a year and a half later that fit his skills and has worked there since. Doesn't pay even 1/4th of what he was getting paid, but having a job and being able to have peace of mind helped him quickly back out of depression.
Mine, on the other hand, is because of my past and I'm stuck in it. There are also times where I'm at a friends house and we're laughing and playing the WiiU and mario party pack, and then everyone takes a smoke break except me and my thoughts instantly go back to feeling alone and depressed and that I hate myself. I don't want to think that, it just happens. Everytime I'm alone or I'm with someone who is completely dense, my thoughts go dark.
@BeautyIsTheBeast there are people out there who you definitely shouldn't associate with. Not everyone that you meet online is going to be wonderful, trust me, I know. It's hard to find the right people to talk to about things who will actually make you feel supported and perhaps even lighter. My closest friends are online too, they just understand me in a way no one else does. I actually had the pleasure of meeting my best friend this summer and I can't remember a time where I ever felt that close to happiness.
Do you confide in your cousin? I'm sorry to hear about his situation, unfortunately a lot of places just let people go with no where to go. It's not a fair thing to do but I don't think the higher ups really care.
I understand your feelings of being stuck. A lot of us are stuck, we have no idea how to escape our depression, there doesn't seem to be any door or window out of it. I guess that's a curse of depression, the way out isn't simple or easy to find. I haven't even found my way out yet. But I stick around because I want to find that way out that leads me to a life that actually feels worth it.
I get those dark thoughts too. Even when things seem to be okay they creep in. No one sees that, I don't let them. I fake a smile to distract away from the tears that want to spill out and the sobs that want to escape. It's tough. Something that I'm trying to learn is how to stop being so doubtful of everything. My brain finds a way to turn everything into a moment of hatred towards myself, even good things. I want to be able to love myself and be kind to myself. That's something I think you need in your life too, you need love and kindness. You still have a lot of life ahead of you, I believe you can find your happiness. It just takes time and work. No one can come along and work on you, you have to do it yourself. The key to healing is inside you somewhere.
Hi Amy. I noticed that I can relate to you in some ways. I'm 21 years old. I submitted myself to a hospital for attempted suicide. The one thing that I felt has happened, like you, was that it seems like people have taken my situation lightly now that this episode I had has passed. I don't want to make it seem like I want attention also. I just want the people who know of my situation to know that I was in a different mind set and this isn't just a one time thing. I'm currently looking for a therapist and I've had a few days where I've felt low to be honest, but not too bad.
I've also seen that you are trying to get into crafts. I'm trying out pixel art with perler beads. I also like to draw and listen to a lot of electronic dance music.
I hope you have a nice day!
Hi Amy. I am 26 years old and a man (though born female). I also had a bad parent - an abusive alcoholic mother. I know you're hurting right now and think it won't ever get better. The good news is that YOU CAN get better. A bit of background for why I believe this: I was horribly depressed for as long as I could remember and hospitalized twice for wanting to commit suicide. For me, 18-22 years old were some of the worst of my entire life. My mother committed suicide, my partner turned abusive, I left for college to escape and came out as a transgender man. I was sleeping 14 hours a day and wishing to die.
However, fast forward to now and while I'm not cured, I mostly don't have those awful days. I graduated with a degree in psychology, have a cat, and feel loads better. What got me here was learning strategies to help against depression and having support. It is really hard at first (anyone who says otherwise is lying) but totally worth it. The stuff that helps takes practice and if you want me to explain a little more, please feel free to send me a PM. (sorry for long response)