I feel like my life is a soap opera lately

Hello, I'm new so bear with me please.

-background story-

I was in an abusive home. I basically spent my tween and teen years under essentially house arrest my parents cut off all communication to the outside world and I was VERY watched and sheltered. As a child I found my younger brother's body whilst we were living in a foreign country and had repressed the memory until ten years later. I began self harming and was planning my suicide when I met my (now) husband. We later went on to get married and have two children.

-The current story-

Recently I fell into a deep depression and self harmed after 5 years of being clean. I am struggling with depression (without treatment I'm too chicken to go see anyone about it). I am also struggling with my sexuality (not sure if I'm bi)

And last month I had an early miscarriage which has kinda messed me up because I suffered through it alone (my husband works a lot so my mum dropped me off at the hospital and watched my kids while I was there) I pushed everyone away for a while because it was unbearable to talk to anyone and so I've been seeing all these people with babies or pregnant ladies and I have to just look away.

Then on Sunday we went to see my grandma at the nursing home for her 89th birthday and it was so nice until we had to leave and it was so hard (she has moderate to server Alzheimer's so she doesn't always know me & can't remember my kids) I cried & cried. I've tried to come to peace with it but I can't.