My Life Being Depressed.
**********TRIGGER WARNING*********** (Just Incase)
I'm Joy. I am suffering with depression along with many other illnesses. My depression started off because of my physical illness. At first i just though i was sad form being in pain but now i look back and i cant remember the last time i was happy or the last day i went without crying myself to sleep.
When i look at life the pages are black and white and its going to be a bad ending. everything in life is in grey scale for me, i don't see any colour. Im going to be honest i have always be 'the glass iss half empty' kinda girl positivity never really comes easily to me.
Over the last 2 years my depression has gotten extremely worse especially in the last year. I have lost enjoyment for the things i used to love, everything feels like a chore. in the last year i started self harming.Yes i know it's bad and starting was a mistake but the fact is i did, and it gives me the control i look for. At one point i managed to be clean for 3 months and i was so proud of myself!! However i relapsed :( i am currently struggling with self harm but i am talking to my psychologist.
I have days where i am close to giving up and i just want to end it all, however im still here and i have amazing friends to thank for that. They support me through so so much and i can never thank them enough. However lately i have been making a mistake. I push people away. i feel like a burden to others. i feel worthless and like no one cares. I know i have people who care, however when in a destructive mindset it doesn't feel this way and i feel as though EVERYONE would be better off without me.
I have lost all hope in life and i don't take care of myself, i feel so worthless i am ignoring my own wellbeing. Why should i look after myself when i don't feel like i deserve to be alive?
I feel like things are never going to get better and that they can only get worse. I just don't see the point in life. My depression has made me hate myself so much and i just wish i could go back to being the person i was when i was 9 :( I feel like im the worst friend anyone could ever have and thats why i punish myself i dont deserve such amazing friends.
Im sure this post makes no sense and tbh im breaking down right now because i just don't feel like things will ever be okay but yeah. I want to finish it off by thanks a few people who have helped me and supported me through this because you make me feel like i am worth something :) Thankyou <3
@NewRomantic677 @amazingrea @221Skye @pray4theheartless @Kaylee @easyCucumber9508 @2015ihope / @ih0pe @Justkeepsmiling26 @FaithGreen16 @YayyySphere
LOVELY joybae typotwinnie,
ohmygosh, I ENOYed reading this, so so so much. I'm really really proud of you for posting this, I know it took courage ❤ I admire you so so so much for opening up and putting yourself out there my lovely typo twinnie! This was a very brave post to write, and reading it has left me super speechless ❤
I know you're going through some rocky patches and life is getting tough, but I also know that youre a beautiful and incredible fighter. ❤ when I first met you I knew you were special- and you are. You're one in a gazillion, and I know you find it hard to believe when I compliment you, but I'm never ever going to stop trying to convince you of how awesomesauce you are. More than just your Listener, I'm priveleged to call myself your friend and im so glad I met you, gosh idk what I'd do without you ❤
And I going off on sentimental rant rn? Hehe sorry for the emotions and stuff I'm just very very happy to have you ❤ long story short, you're awesomesauce- I'm always here to support you through whatever, I absolutely LOVE talking to you, I adore this forum post of yours that truly reflects you, and I have faith that you can win this fight, #EnoyForDaWin hehe.
Lots and lots of love,
Enobae/typotwinnie ❤
@NewRomantic677
Im glad you ENOYed it!!! I love you so so so much! <3 Thankyou :O You were speechless and yet you wrote a massive reply :P xD Psst... I added colours for you :P I wouldn't be here without you and they support you give me. I am soo glad you are my friend.
THANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
@JoyIntoDarkness
OMG CCOLORS you added COLORS ily ❤ and awwwh that's so sweet hehe and yeap I'm Eno, I always blubber out SOMETHING even when I say I'm speechless, I'm such a chatterbox ;)
P.S-- I might reply again cause I was brain dead when I wrote this and I probs have a lot more to say haha
@NewRomantic677
Awh I love you more!!!!! <3 You are My Typo Twinnie and my Enobaeee <3
:O Eno's brain shall not be dead (Performs cpr on the brain) I shall heal it :P
#Enoy4eva
@JoyIntoDarkness
You're always healing it, hehe thanks for the CPR ❤ and I love you more-er (omg is that a word xD) psst you can't kill what already dead (I'm sorry I had to re-use the joke it's too funny)
@NewRomantic677
We shall make it a word :P Haha you always know how to make me laugh :P <3 Pssst. i love you more-er-er :P <3
@JoyIntoDarkness
daww, yyou know I love clowning around with youuh ❤ and just for the record ily more-er-er-er xD its now a word, its official ;)
@NewRomantic677
When we clown around together we shall ENOY :P
Joy, hey, I am so very proud of you for sharing your story, I get how hard it must have been, but you did it yay. In all the time I've gotten to know you, there's something that always stands out. It's how you're always trying your best and that tells me that you haven't lost hope. In all honesty, that's so inspiring to me and you are too.
You are undoubtedly worth a lot and I'm glad you have so many people in your life to remind you that. Do your best (and I know you're trying and that's incredible in itself) to remind yourself that too <3
Love you Joy, take care always! :)
@justkeepsmiling26
Thankyou so much! <3 You have never judged me and that means alot <
@JoyIntoDarkness You're awesome Joy, and I'll be here for you through it all c: <3
@justkeepsmiling26
You have no idea how much that means to me! THANKYOU <3
Hello. I had struggles with depression for a long time. I know exactly what you're going through. But I want you to know that it will totally get better. I know you keep telling yourself it won't but it will.. Believe me. Trust me. I promise.. You have a whole future ahead of you. Though you may be sad now.. You're just getting stronger for the road ahead.. You will be prepared and strong for the wonderful life ahead of you. You will be ready to conquer any obstacle and you can do this. Your story sounds similar to mine. And also yes I do recommend anti depressants. Could really help you a lot. You sound like such an amazing person, and I'm sure you're just such a fantastic, wonderful, beautiful girl. So.. Push forward and get through this. Because you can do it. I know you can. I love you ❤️
@Scarletdiamond
This made me smile thankyou so much <3 im sorry to hear youve suffered to and yes i think i might try them <3
Hello @JoyIntoDarkness. I'm really sorry to hear that you're experience such depths of agony. My heart goes out to you. You do deserve to be alive, things WILL get better, and your post makes total sense. I've been through it all, and to see the light at the end of the tunnel requires first being able to see a glimmer of hope. Right now you can't see your way out and the intensity of your negative emotions is clouding any and all hope. I know the that stuck, suffocated feeling where you feel like a hamster spinning the wheel and not getting anywhere. It's sheer anguish. I've found that glimmer of hope, and that's what it takes to enables one to feel motivated enough to make an effort to pull themself out.
I really do hope this phase passes for you soon, and it's not a matter of IF, it's a matter of WHEN, and seeking treatment and adhering to it. This includes talking to someone knoweldgeable and compassionate enough to help gain some mental clarity and sort out your thoughts, meds if recommended, and the support of loving friends and family which you already have.....and not one, but ALL these in combination plus patience for it to work.
I'm available to chat and would like to be there for you, so if you ever need someone to listen and vent to, with first hand experience, reach out and leave me a message and we'll connect. Take care and do NOT give up!
@CerebralHealer
Thankyou so so much! this means so so much <3
You're very welcome. I'm routing for you!
STAY STRONG!!!
@CerebralHealer
Awh :) thankyou <3
pardon the typos, i was just intensely typing in an attempt to reply to your heartfelt post. not easy posting what you did, you should be proud of yourself for taking that step, that has great therapeutic value in itself. it's cathartic. again, take care, and don't give up.
@CerebralHealer
No worries <3 thankyou so much <3
@JoyIntoDarkness
Joy i know this post must have been really difficult to make, and I am so proud of you for sharing all of this, it's difficult being this honest and open with everyone ❤️
-huggles- Thank you so much for sharing, i know you're going through some hard times but i am absolutely 100% here for you, okay? Okay. Have some cookies (x)
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@pray4theheartless
Awh thankyou so much!!!! :) It means so much having you here :P And cheers for the cookies ill treat myself :P <3
@JoyIntoDarkness 💖
First things first * huggles my Dahlia bby forevers * 💙 I'm so incredibly proud of you for even making this post ! I know it can't have been an easy thing to do and it shows just how strong and brave and amazing you are ! I love you so so much darling
I know things are extremely hard on you at the moment and life is being super tough . I understand that it feels like it's going to be bad and dark and hard forever dear but that's depression talking . It doesn't have to end badly and it can and will get better , maybe not yet or not even for quite a while but one day it can and will get better .You're a real fighter and that always amazes me so much ! i know you can carry on fghting a little longer darling ! Ever since the day we first really talked in the chatroom I knew there was something amazing about you 💖 your incredible strength and courage as well as the kindness and love and care you show for others even when you are going through the darkest of times yourself , that's what truly inspires me ! I can't believe how lucky I am to be able to have such a wonderful person as a friend .
I know self harm can be so so hard to resist , it gives us the control and the feeling of "happiness" we want so badly at times like this . I know how hard you try to fight though and that amazes me ! 💙 I'm also super glad you are able to talk to your psychologist about this darling . I know you can carry on and get through this , please try your bestest to take good care of yourself my dear , even though it often feels pointless even trying anymore , I promise it's worth it . #Draglia can win this fight okie !
Lastly sweetheart 💖 Please never let yourself feel like a burden to me or any of us ! I promise you that you've never been and never will be a burden to us . We love you so so much darling and we always will , no matter what . Please don't let yourself think that you have to try and hide your feelings and pretend to be happy around us when you're not dear , we'll always be here for you through both the good times and the bad . * huggles * I love you with my whole heart 💖 you are the most beautiful , inspiring girl I know !
@ih0pe
OMG!
I love you so much! i am speechless and crying because that post means so so much! <3
I will keep fighting for DRAGLIA! I promise! i wouldn't be here without you :* <3
You are so amazing and i cant believe i have such an amazing friend!
Love you lots Snappy Dragon! <3
(Psst i adore those colours <3)
Hi Joy,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is great that you have reached the point where you can do that. It is already a step forward than being in the isolated space where you are conflicted within yourself.
I used to cut myself too and I had called an ambulance for myself after cutting deeper. Lately I try to avoid cutting altogether by checking in with myself.
I too know how you feel like others here do. But the positive part of me (a previous piece as I am in a funk) says that there are things we are meant to do in life. We can't all be astronauts or doctors or lawyers. If that's what you wanted in life, fine of course. For instance you touched our lives by sharing your experience and gave us the chance to respond to you and feel like we are not alone. I hope you will find how unique you are and come to love yourself more or/and let others love you too. xx
@Koadolphilan
Im sorry you have been/going through rough time. Thankyou for this reply it means alot and i am trying to get better :)
Hi Joy,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is great that you have reached the point where you can do that. It is already a step forward than being in the isolated space where you are conflicted within yourself.
I used to cut myself too and I had called an ambulance for myself after cutting deeper. Lately I try to avoid cutting altogether by checking in with myself.
I too know how you feel like others here do. But the positive part of me (a previous piece as I am in a funk) says that there are things we are meant to do in life. We can't all be astronauts or doctors or lawyers. If that's what you wanted in life, fine of course. For instance you touched our lives by sharing your experience and gave us the chance to respond to you and feel like we are not alone. I hope you will find how unique you are and come to love yourself more or/and let others love you too. xx
Hey hun ,
after speaking to you for the past few months i have learnt just how much of an amazing person you are. no matter what your going through you help others and support them and that just shows how worthy of this life you are. You are very loved by me and your family. I will message you in a bit when i am out of school xxx
@FaithGreen16
