My so called battles
For the past couple weeks I been fighting this battle, or even a war in my head, I feel like Im slowly fading away within myself. Im losing sense of what I want out of life, well its not like I ever had any sense of it anyway. Ive felt unwanted, useless, pathetic, insecure… I can go on and on. But Ive felt these before, but this time these feelings are back and stronger than before, stronger than ever. I wont lie, the thought of wanting to end it seriously scares the shit out of me, but the same time knowing I am living the unknown scares the shit out of me too. Is it better to die knowing that that death scares me? Or is it better to live this life that Im scared of living in myself? Ive thought it through, if I die I hurt the ones who loves me, but if I live, Im only hurting myself. People may ask how are you hurting yourself by living? I hurt when Im living because I feel so empty inside, yes, although I am surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, random strangers in the street, at the store, etc., I still empty and such a lost cause. That I am literally slowly dying inside. So technically Im already killing myself slowly, but surely. Im already dying within; Im already suffering within, silent pain, but deadly. Im not selfish. I know there are millions of other people who are suffering far more than me, but not everyone is the same. We all suffer different whether its from sickness, physical and emotional pain, suffering from not having anything to eat or have a roof over their head for themselves or their family. Everyone has their own strength on dealing with their own suffering. Some are strong, some are weak, and some are just letting their suffering ride and see where fate takes them. I fall into the category of weakest link. And as day after day keep passing within the past 2 weeks, the weaker and weaker I get. I honestly dont know what that means for me. Does it mean Im reaching my point of calling it quits? Does it mean I may hit rock bottom? Does it even fucking mean anything at all? Or this part of lifes so called challenges that we have to get by? A challenge I been trying to beat for the past fucking 18 years of my life and the challenge I been facing, its strength even got stronger. Life throws you a lemon, you make lemonade. Honestly, fuck that.
I never thought I could feel worse than I already do with myself, but stupid me to forget, never say never.
@LostndBroken
Hello Lost,
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. It does indeed sound like you are very lost and confused. I know depression can be difficult to manage and sometimes, it can make us feel very overwhelmed and disheartened. As someone who deals with depression, my heart goes out to you in your struggles because I've been there so many times as well. Especially when you said, that you never thought you could feel worse but then you do. I can't say I have any suggestions for you but as a fellow sufferer, I want you to know that you aren't alone. I certainly do not think you are weak at all, rather I see a warrior who is fighting against internal struggles everyday. That takes a very strong person and in spite of all your problems and struggles, you're still here writing this post. For that, I am so very proud of you 
If you haven't yet, I would look at our self-help guide on Depression. It's helped me find some coping techniques in order to manage my depression a bit better. Perhaps it may help you as well.
I hope you feel better soon, good luck and take care! xx
