Seeking help counteracting lifelong depression.

I am a 51 year old male that has suffered from depression as long as I can remember. At the age of 8 or 9 was my first try at 'stopping' the pain. (I won't say any more about that unless someone cares to know. I'm not 'ashamed' or anything, I just don't want it to be upsetting to anyone.)

I guess I stumbled through until I was 12 or so and began to 'self-medicate'. Since alcohol was / is illegal at that age other drugs were easier to obtain. I was quite partial to opiates. Surprisingly, I was able to function pretty well academically. I had no home life and no friends in school. I am (was) a reader & writer: very solitary traits. I also fooled with computers. (This was way before any laws about 'hacking' existed.) I discovered towards the end of 11th grade that 'exploring' interstate utility company computers was a Federal Issue. Although I had not caused any damage or changed any data at all, I might have been confronted by two gentlemen working for the US Government.

I was fortunate enough to have been offered an academic scholarship in England and might have been persuaded to 'skip' my final year in High School and leave the country. I only realized the gravity of the situation when I was met by members of the US Consulate at the gate at the airport and asked for my passport & student visa.

I studied and ended up teaching at the University for about 10 years. I might have had to go to the US Consulate and ask for my papers to return to the US.

I taught at colleges here in the US at night so I could take courses for free. I also taught first grade. After about 10 years, I left teaching altogether and took an executive position at one of the top 10 privately owned companies in the world. It was an interesting position in technology dealing with not only Y2k, but also acquisitions of other companies and 'merging' computer systems together. At this point I had given up any illegal 'medications' but drank…a lot. One morning, upon realizing how much I drank the night before and still made it home (by limo & train) and back to work by 6AM I decided enough was enough and gave it up for good.

September 11th happened. September 13th I tendered my letter of resignation. September 14th through the end of the year I spent most of the time laying on the floor in the fetal position.

At the end of December, I began getting help. Originally the hospital was trying to persuade me to sign in as 'in-patient'. I did not, but I did go to see a Psychiatrist for two 1 hour sessions / week for about 4 years and began meds. I also began journaling faithfully every day. On top of this I threw myself into a much deeper study towards my spiritual leaning.

Well, I'm still on meds and will probably be on something for the rest of my life. I am seeing a therapist every other week. All this, and yet I remain.

Don't be an idiot like I was and wait so long and suffer so much before asking for help.

You are deserving of the patience, love, and kindness I'm sure you would offer another.

You are cared for just the way you are right now, scabs and scars and all.

I'm deeply saddened that you are suffering. I am glad I came across your post. I hope to see more in the future.

I'm not sure about much, but I remain.