A long winded, sad rant
Well; I am back.
Being in my mid-40s' and in full swing into poverty. Life seems to me, for me, pointless. I have good ideas to better myself. What happens is, fatigue and depression kick in, or my anxiety goes into overdrive. I can mask my anxiety, put on a smile and enter into social situations and pretend I care or pretend I am interested in being where I am, all while internally, cursing at the top of my mental lungs for everyone to just get away from me.
I would like to work from home, and all I can call this next part is an Idea, To start a youtube channel, for children, in the PG-PG13 age range. Problem is, fatigue. I have had blood work done, and everything checks out just fine, the constant fatigue could be due to numerous things, from age and weight, to being under constant mental stress, to who knows. But I have bursts of energy that last from 1-3 hrs in the after noon and that is when I get things done, and I suppose that is how I have to work around my life now.
I have been single for far too long, I am going to pay for a one-month subscription to a dating site, and I know it is a waste of time and money, more over, my anxiety will make it very hard to be in a relationship, so it will take a very understanding woman to handle me.
I lost my mom last year, and Feb was the one-year mark for 2023, my siblings seem to have moved on, I haven't. I have meds, I have a somewhat reliable support system if things get rough, I have the VA; I am going to file for either social security or social security disability; to get some kind of financial disability.
In the end, I do not want to continue on in life. I have told my psychiatrist and psychologist this on different occasions, either directly or vaguely, and they just gloss over it. Truth is, once my pop passes on, I will be hard-pressed to carry on.
I tell myself, I have to be happy and love myself first before I can be in a relationship, and I have to be financially an emotionally stable first as well. That it wouldn't be fair to bring someone into my life as I am in the state I am in. I also remind myself that there are women who have similar problems just as me, and want to be in a relationship as well... I tell myself all the positive things I know I should believe in, and there in is the rub. I do not believe and never have believed that I am worth anything to anyone, let alone to a woman.
On and on. You shouldn't rely on someone to make your life better, you shouldn't get into a relationship if you would just fall apart if you ended up breaking up an bleh bleh bleh.
Basically, the idea is, one must be, financially, and emotionally or Emotionally stable at a minimum, before entering into a relationship, at least for a guy, yet for some reason, if a guy is a dirt bag, and is financially stable, then it is like ,, well, dude is just a jerk and a dirt bag, but at least he doesnt have the emotional and mental issues that I have.
I also might be Autistic, so I am getting testing soon to find out on that, which if I do, will just be more proof for a disability claim.
I pray or at a minimum every night before I go to sleep, hope that I do not wake up. I didn't even want to make it to 40 and I realized now I am so far behind the 8 ball. The chances are I will live to be 90. The Truth is, I do have a long term plan to check out if by the time my dad passes on, and I manage somehow to sell my home and down size to an off-grid piece of land, once the money from everything is gone, and if i am still single , then thoughts will go from just thoughts, to checking out, and there wont be any talking to the VA, or support people, there wont be any call to 911, ima just do what I have to do, because I refuse to keep living in misery, i refuse to keep trying and failing and I refuse to keep accepting being kicked down, over an over. I will try to make my life better, the best I can try that is, with my limits; but I am not going to grind myself down with trying into my later years.
An if i dont have it in me to check out, ill become a stoner, in some legal state, and just bake my brain away.
I have too many issues, I want a real productive life, where I work for myself, have a woman in my life to keep me going and we support each other and make our lives better, and i can live out in the country far from people and neighbors. work from home, have a fun and profitable youtube channel....
an it all goes to wish in one hand and do something else in the other and see which you get first. Ideas, and dreams with no plan to get there, just stay ideas and dreams. An having to do all this on my own, with no friends, limited family, and no loved one in my life, just hurts over and over and it becomes too much to where i just have to go to bed which is what ima do in a few after i get some food in me. and sleep this nightmare off to a degree.
What would happen if you thought less about the issues and about what the future might hold. The issues seem to me like they are holding you back from making attempts to feel better. It is fine to try to find a friend, romantic or otherwise. Worry about hurting them is keeping you from trying. You don't know that something bad will definitely happen.
I find it easier to live in the day to day. If I can keep busy by getting out walking, doing puzzles, cooking, reading and singing then the other stuff falls into place on its own.@TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
The problems I have, have been a set of life long issues, it all ebbs and flows, a constant roller coaster but the past few years it has been going on a straight nose dive.
When I am depressed, doing positive things like walking, drawing, things that most normal people find comforting, doesn't do anything for me other than distract me for a brief period of time and then when I finish that activity the depression comes right back, if not twice as bad.
I use to be a , The glass is half-full kind of guy, but when life just repeatedly kicks and stomps one down, over and over, no matter how hard one tries to make their life better, one, being me, tends to stop even caring about the glass or what level it is at.
I mean I can come up with cliches till the cows come home, and that is one of them!, Things are darkest before the dawn, there is always a silver lining, the grass is always greener on the other side, those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it.
The problem is compounding, and now I am seeing that I am adding some nihilism to it all as well. Sure there are good people out there in the world, sure there are better ways to handle things. But I do not think what people realize is that, the treatment process for such deep-seated issues, is like buffing out a small scratch on car, that has dents, a cracked windshield, and you are lucky if it starts, let alone gets you from point A to point B and back, without breaking down in between.
Does, doing positive things, tend to help most people, yes, but my question would be, what is the severity of those peoples problems , is it an onset that just started, is it low to mild depression,
people I find that are responsive to treatment for mental health issues, have a couple of things going for them, they have the insurance to get quality help, they do not have mental health issues that started in childhood, and only gotten worse as they got older, and they have a very strong support system.
Now take away the strong support system, medical insurance, etc,
what people forget is that , poverty, homelessness, and big mental health issues, are not easy fixes with textbook answers that are a one size fits all, and for me that is one thing I have noticed about psychologists and psychiatrists, they are stuck with treating people by the book, because that is how they were trained to.
While everyones' mental health issues are severe to them, and the pain they go through is valid, the reality is much different, but still, textbook methods of treating everyone as if their problems are all the same and can be fixed in a textbook method.
Which if that was the case, then why have psychologists and therapists, seems like, the government should just be pumping out mental health text books for free, for people with mental health problems and be like, here ya go, this will fix you, do what is in the book. An save people from having to pay $150 an hour for " therapy".
Sorry, this was long, and it is not an attack on you, it just became another long-winded rant of my own reality.
Not everyone gets the help they need or deserve, if they did, no one would be homeless,poor, starving, etc.
@bestVase7265
I wanted to say thanks for the reply, you are right in that I do worry about hurting others, because of my mental health issues, making them depressed or miserable through no real fault of my own other than pre-existing conditions; It is hard for me, to not worry that, my problems could rub off on someone else, or that someone would go running away from me faster than greased lightening if they eventually got a full grasp as to what all of my mental health issues are.
It is great that you have found things that help you.
I totally get the frustration. My journey has been long and there have been lots of points where I felt like you. This is a permanent diagnosis and never a joy ride.
I have been in moments where the things that worked for normal people didn't work for me either. I spent years trying new things. But I did find myself (at least for now) in the doing of stuff rather than letting my brain go anywhere it wanted.
The only thing that I had to focus on with my brain was on what those few minutes of relief meant. I kept saying "15 minutes of okay while the rest of the day is crap isn't enough to make any difference." When I finally started saying "15 minutes is better than nothing and it matters" things began to turn around. Then that 15 minutes started coming a bit more frequently.
This is in no way to diminish your pain or to say that therapy, meds or anything else works if you just "try hard enough." You are trying hard enough. But none of the pain ever means that things can't turn around.@TheBestScreenName
I totally hear and feel your pain. Reading between the lines, i can relate in my own way. I am a private person, but i understand the dynamics of a hard life.....all of it.
I cry every morning when i wake up that i am still alive. Like you, i am struggling with health care and finances. I was blessed to know love until my partner died....and since then my will to live has evaporated. In my more positive moments, i try to believe that i am still alive for a reason....a reason that has not yet made itself known. Life is without a doubt the hardest thing that we will ever do and like you i find being told to distract myself very patronising. I have an elderly relative to care for and that is my purpose right now. And i don't think beyond today. We've survived another day and that is an achievement in itself. The fact that you have goals and ideas is a wonderful thing. And i have every faith that you can get where you want to go. By taking one tiny step at a time and being kind to yourself along the way. One step leads onto another step and once you are able to move from this stuck position, life will move with you. We all need to dream, and we get there one step at a time and one breathe at a time. I have every faith in you and wish you well xx
@sooty41 Thank you
@TheBestScreenName
Thank you and take THE best care of yourself. xx