Always lost

My depression has been a part of me for a long time. It kept me alive for a long time and I never see it as something bad I could actually be happy with it. But everywhere i go bad things happen or people would use or on the rare occasion someone saying they love me was actually real they weren't happy until leaving me. I'm a walking curse. I have my son now and my boyfriend who knows everything and is really supportive but I'm so lost. For many reasons I cant work and with my IBS life isn't easy. Doing a uni course now so I can start a business and not have my son growing up thinking im pathetic. The course stresses me out so much it's like a constant reminder of how useless I am and how I cant do anything unless my partners there with me to basically explain and do it. It's an open university course so I do it from home. I thought I could learn to do it myself and be something but I'm the same old good for nothing I always have been. Since my son was born I get stressed faster than usual and i have no friends not through lack of trying I'm just naturally hated for some unknown reason. And my partner knows i love him and he knows i keep wondering what will happen to tear us apart because that's how it always is with me. Finally find someone who really loves me not a lie, little while of bliss then its marriage means I'm your maid not your wife and all arguments will be done through your best friend who is a girl yes or its empty words of I want a future with you but don't want to act like it and getting dads approval of me is way more important because I'm obsessed and wont ever admit it not my fault how I was raised. My partner now hasn't been like that but I can tell something will happen and I just keep wondering how long we have left to be happy before I lose it again. I wish I wasn't useless and didn't worry but it's how I am.