Am I real?
So...I'm 24 years old. I have struggled all my life with feelings of emptiness. Or numbness. Or complete and utter hopelessness. I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I'm nothing. I have to be frequently reassured that I'm real. I've been diagnosed as bipolar in the past but I don't think that's what this is. I don't have any highs, just lows. And nothingness. I have tried medication and it all has ever made me feel even more like a ghost. Therapy hasn't helped much either. I have a hard time holding a conversation when I'm on the spot and I spend a lot of time ummm-ing and losing my train of thought. I have a long history of self harm, mainly cutting. I've relapsed multiple times and even did it for a couple of weeks recently. It's the only thing that proves to me my existence. I have 2 very young children and I don't want to have to fake it with them all the time. They deserve better than that. I just want to smile for real. And I don't know where to turn.
@Krisis2016
I can hear your pain and I think your struggles are very real. You said you have self harmed in the past and recently to prove to yourself your real and that's something I can strongly relate to, it sounds like in the past its been your way of grounding yourself. I have to say well done for stopping self harm, every day you resist the urge is a huge win.
Depression and feeling so low can feel like everything is shutting down and it can be hard to think straight and generally function. Feeling so low can also alter people's sense of reality at times and it sounds like this is a phenomenon your experiencing. I wonder have you spoken to your doctor or mental health professional about what your experiencing. Sometimes it can be a trial and error with medication and it can take trying many different techniques to find what works for you.
You also said your not entirely happy with your diagnosis of being bipolar because you only seem to experience lows. Your opinion matters and you really are the expert on what your experiencing, do you think would it be helpful to try and go back to the professional with your concerns about the diagnosis or maybe see someone else if you can for a second opinion?
You sound like an amazing parent who wants the best for your children, I think it's really important not to be too harsh on yourself.
I really do hope things get better soon and yes you are very real and you MATTER!