And this is why I don't like to open up :')

Id like to say that Im sorry. Im sorry Im not a better person; that I can't do anything to make everything right. I know there's many things wrong with me, but I don't know how to fix them and I don't know how to change and I don't think I can change. I don't know how to make things better or how to better myself. Im sorry that Im not the person youd expect me to be; for doing dumb things to escape reality. To feel something, anything besides this constant heavy weight reminding me of what a complete lost cause I am.

Pain seems to always find its way to the surface no matter how much you try and bury it. Just sometimes, this pain is so unmanageable that the idea of spending another day with it seems impossible. Quite frankly, I wish, I really really wish I could be successful, just once, to actually remove myself from this place that I dont want to be. I dont want to be a statistic, but I dont want to keep trying to move forward each day when I dont even know what Im fighting for.

I cant even say I didnt choose the path Ive come down - nobody chose it for me. I just realise I have nothing to lose. I am nothing and its true, I dont care. Not about me, not about what I do to myself. Not like I once did because Ive learnt that ‘everything happens for a reason and in that case, I clearly dont deserve to be happy. I dont deserve to have a group of people to care for me. I dont even deserve to be good to myself.

I appreciate the fact nobody seems to use my experiences against me, but it really doesnt matter how others view me if I cant even look at myself because Im ashamed of what I see. My identity has been drained so I dont know who I am anymore. Im at war with myself. Aha, scrubbing myself e v e r y d a y thinking I can wash my skin away. I cant say I miss my old self when I cant remember who that was either :) Im done with myself. I make myself miserable. Things in the past, I should be over it, but Im not. It haunts me everyday, all of it.

I dont understand how everything I do is wrong. If I pretend, hide, act as if everything is okay, Im fake. Because I dont want anybody to see me, the way I see myself.. The way I really am. But then when I am open, when I show something isnt right, it gets thrown in my face, Im a burden, a major trigger. Sometimes, I dont mean to let off that Im not coping well, but things become so much, I dont think I can deal with any more and its obvious things are challenging for me but still, if Im not simply a problem, Im after attention.. but you know what? I dont want attention. Im tired of hoping to be noticed, and then getting used as a punching bag instead. Im tired of wanting to feel like I matter to someone, being lured in and then taken advantage of instead. I now hate the idea of receiving anybodys attention. I hate feeling so alone in this but I dont even know if it can be any different.

Ive convinced myself that nobody would miss me if I were gone, or even notice. At times, I cry because I feel so alone lol. Maybe, this is all I can be and this is as far as Im going to get. I want to pack my life up, disappear, as if I were never here in the first place.