An inward quiet
My brain is a devious bastard.
Every morning I'm waking up exhausted as if creating dreams was so energy-draining on behalf of my mind. From the moment I put my feet on the ground, I can sense the weight of unfulfilled existence pulling me down. It is hard to get through the motion of the mundane life with this burden, but somehow I'm doing it day after day, relentlessly and stubbornly accomplishing the bare minimum of my responsibilities. In the meantime I am carefully trying to take proper care of myself, but still, I long for the time I can finally hide without any guilt under my covers, maybe cry a little in the safety of my bed, and finally rest and escape the reality.
But that's not what my brain wants to do at these late-night hours. Suddenly, after all of the weariness and clumsiness, it gets hyperactive. I'm lying down, but my eyes are to light to shut. My fingers are running through my locks of short hair in a comforting manner, while I think about everything. My head is exploding with ideas and hopes and plans. I'm creating stories about exploring fantasy words, forming long passages of monologue which I eventually devote to the oblivion because I'm too lazy to find a pen. I'm thinking about how much I could have accomplished today, what new exciting projects could have started, what fears could have overcome, where to walk, what to see, what to do, what to tell people who I care about deeply. I'm thinking about my past and my future and my present and everything are blurring and I feel like something set fire to my synapses.
I should feel frustrated about it, but the irony of it all is too funny for me to evoke any anger. The sleepless nights became the times where I feel most like my past self. The insomniac became a productive one. Still, I don't want this situation to last. I really want to sleep, I really want to recover in the sunlight, not in the solitude of darkness.
I have my anxiety meds, but I have to use them sparingly because they are highly addictive. But also, I don't want to rely heavily on them to help me fall asleep. I think I should learn how to cope with my racing thoughts. So I'm drinking peppermint tea and writing this post to control the flame because I don't want to fight with my demons. I want to learn their names and tame them.
At 2.30 a.m. my pen is singing a soft lullaby in the hope they will let me sleep. I think tonight they will grant me that.
Title of this post is taken from the quote by Aldous Huxley:
"Lying awake at night — not restlessly, but serenely, waiting for sleep — the quiet re-establishes itself, piece by piece; all the broken bits … we've been so busily dispersing all day long. It re-establishes itself, an inward quiet, like the outward quiet of grass and trees…"
Beautiful as always. Thank you for putting down what so many of us are feeling but are unsure of how to express it.
I know it's a difficult fight, and the more difficult it becomes, the more alone we can feel. But please know that just out of sight, someone else is also lying awake and is currently gripping their head with as much force as they can muster. And beyond that, someone else is contemplating life and thinking such eloquent words that seem fleeting once the sun creeps over the horizon.
I wish I could envelope you in my arms and rock you to sleep. Your happiness is very dear to me and I feel your pain as well as I feel my own. Please know that you are never alone, and if you ever need comfort, you know where to find me.
@ValentineLove, thank you, dearest Val, because your encouraged moved me almost to the brink of tears. And even if I cry so easily these days, that's not the point. I'm glad that I can always count on your support. Thank you for all the warmth you're giving to me, to all of us.
I'll remind myself tonight that I'm not alone in lying wide awake. I will hold close to my chest this little buzz of thought and find reassurance in it.
All my love, as always, lovely.
celaeno, as always, I love the work. Like love it. ❤❤❤❤❤
@NewRomantic677, and I pretty much love you, darling ^^ Glad you liked it.
@Celaeno, this was too beautiful and true. There are too many eloquent phrases and lines to quote, so instead, I'm just going to keep coming back to this and re-read it again and again. It rang true with my own late-night struggles. I'm not sure whether to call them struggles either. The struggles last all through the day and toward nightfall seem to merge into a strange, calming hypomania which would have immensely helped me in the daytime.
These struggles are honing you, making you more than you are, bringing out so much strength. And it shows, Celaeno. It shows in the grace with which you pen even those things that have caused you so much pain and trouble. There is much more to come. More breakdowns, but even more comebacks. This was so calming to read, so unifying to know that someone somewhere was going through a life experience much similar.
Stay awesome, Celaeno! I'm with you in weakness and wellness. 
@LatteJoy, you are so kind, lovely! Thank you so much for your support and warmth. It's sad to hear you're experiencing similar restless nights. They can be difficult, overpowering and forcing you to slowly burn away. And I agree with the phrase "calming hypomania" - after hours of sadness, after cold and numbness fire is more than welcomed. But this state is not healthy, no matter how much relief it can bring (in fact my doctor suspects that it can be linked to the hypomanic states).
I want you to stay amazing, wonderful. I am as strong as this community is, and I gather my strength and optimism from all of you, lovelies ^^ And I love your line "more breakdowns, but even more comebacks". This is what I want to carry with my heart - this everlasting persistence and hope. I'm so glad that you remind me of this every time you write around forums ^^
How are you feeling, by the way? How is your day so far?
Sending you all my love!
@Celaeno Thank you too, darling! Your posts give me life. It's okay, I guess, to go through something challenging. I've come to accept the depression and anxieties as opportunities for improvement rather than just characteristic flaws, and as something important. I can overcome them, and I say that not as a trite affirmation, but because I have always been able to in the past, even when I didn't feel like it. So yes, you can do this! Because you have been doing it, no matter the magnitude of difficulty.
Day's going great! I've been good and bad and alright. :) And to be honest with you, I think I may be getting better, finally, after so many heart-breaking relapses. I've come to accept the breakdowns and I've stopped trying to be in control all the time. Let the mind venture off in the great, terrible beyond. :D
I'm so grateful that we've build this community. And I'm really glad you're a part of this. We're both fellow travellers on a similar path, and it's very good to know you! I'm so happy that I can be a beacon of something positive, thank you.
I agree that even hypomania can lead us into more severe bouts of mania. Your doctor is probably right. That kind of sudden feel-good moods may be indicative of a milder form of mania.
Lots of love to you as well!
P.S. I watched your video earlier today and you're every bit as beautiful as you seem to be. It was so heart-warming!
I'm so glad to hear that you feel better! Enjoy the recovery and have lots of adventures ^^ However, remember that relapses are normal, regardless how painful and frustrating they can be. You will have bad days, but they don't cross out all of the amazing progress you've made from the day 1.
I'm grateful for your presence, too. This community is a source of deep hope and creating connections with others only reinforces that feeling. Thank you for the praise about my video, but honestly I feel so self-conscious about it. At the time I wanted to go beyond my comfort zone and spread the world about community, but now, when I think that I actually recorded my own face and posted it online, makes me cringe a bit. But it's my insecurity speaking, and I know that you meant it well, with all of your love, and for that I'm really grateful.
Load and loads of hugs (and chocolate)!
@Celaeno Thank you! I've been trying to keep that in mind. I didn't have the best couple of days so I steered clear from being a gloomy cloud on the site. :D Chocolates to you as well. Aren't chocolates the best?
I can understand the cringey feeling as well (I'd feel it if I posted a video), but just know that it's only you. Other members from the site must feel only love that you had the courage to put up the video. ^_^
I hope you've been doing well! Take care! :) Always here for you and keeping you in my best thoughts.
@LatteJoy, chocolate is the best, I wholeheartedly agree on that! Recently my favourite friend became a jar of nutella, and I'm not ashamed of that ^^;
I'm feeling pretty decent lately and it gives me hope that I'm slowly, but steadily coming out from the major depression episode. I'm glad, though, that you're open about your own struggles. Vulnerability is scary, but it's the source of growth and recovery. If you ever want to talk about the heaviness lying on your chest and shoulders, blocking the flow of your thoughts, I'm here for you. Feeling lost and alone, because of your jerk!brain is awful and I really think that no one should experience the lack of support in theses hardest times.
Sending you all of my love!
@Celaeno Hi again! ^_^
Nutella all the way. Especially with bread. Or literally anything! :D
Thank you so much for the support. It does mean the world. I agree with you. I'm glad you're coming out of the severe episodes. :) You deserve the happiness.
Have you read much of Sylvia Plath's work?
Again, all my love.
@LatteJoy, only now I saw you reply about question regarding Plath - I think I read only the Bell Jar and some of her poetry. About the latter, I can remember the Mad Girl's Love Song:
It left a mark on me somehow.
Sending you loads of hugs for your hiatus ❤️
@Celaeno I just read your post that you were not feeling so very great, I'm really sorry about that. I hope you get back on your meds asap. That should balance you again.Take care of yourself. How are you now?
@LatteJoy, thank you, love, for checking up on me. It's incredibly nice of you.
In a word - "blagh". In two words - "tired blagh". But that's nothing dangerous or uncommon, I can endure it. I bought my meds today, so I'm back on the track, but I don't know if I'd already feel better tomorrow. We'll see.
How about you, lovely? How was your day?
All the best!
Dark, haunting, and beautiful.
@JediTink, thank you for taking your time to read it and for the kind words - I appreciate it.
This resonates with me so much. Thanks for posting.
@FireflySkies, thank you for reading it, lovely. I hope you're doing ok.
All the best!
I feel u , it's hard. It's tiring, i really wish to be friends with the monster inside of my head.
A lot of us suffers in similar way. I'm sorry u feel the same. And really hope it will be better.
Sending you lots of love from ur sis politecup <3
@politeCup86, thank you, sis ^^ Sometimes all we can do is just confronting our monsters and ask them to sit beside our side... Hugs back!