Balancing acceptance and needing to change

There always seems to be this fine line between the need for self development and accepting/surrendering to the current state. I know I need to change because this state of mind is affecting all the relationships in my life and has been affecting my workplace. I stand to lose everything if I cant get a hold on my negative thinking patterns. Theyre all consuming when Im in them. It feels like the truth. Theyre self reinforcing and the cycle feeds itself. The thoughts happen because of what someone else said or did. Right now the theme is that I hear someone else get praise and it feels like a stab at me because of my perceived lack. Once this starts, I watch the thoughts and see how irrational they are and how they seem to run me into the ground. The conclusion is that theres something wrong with me because I cant seem to stop this cycle even though Ive been through years of therapy and self help programs. Im constantly working on myself.

This is the point where I need to stop searching for ways to make these thoughts stop and just accept that they are there. This has been the way for a really long time. Its hard to change. Just because these thoughts are constant it doesnt make them reality. Its just that theyre my go to and my mind is stressed. Its just a coping mechanism, its not me. Depression isnt my reality, its just something Im prone to. Better days exist.