Can't shake my passive suicidal thoughts
I have felt passive suicidal thoughts off and on for a few years. It usually only lasts about a week and it doesn't happen often. There has been increased stress in my life the last few months and I can't seem to shake the feeling this time. I have no plans to do anything, I just don't know how to get past it. I can't talk to anyone in my life about it, because they will just freak out and the last thing I want is to end up in a hospital. I'm afraid to talk about it in general for that reason. I tried the lifeline chat, but they only asked if I wanted to talk to a therapist. I said it wasn't financially an option at the moment and they basically agreed that it was expensive and then wrapped up the chat. I just feel like I'm drowning. I am completely overwhelmed.
@leann06 Wow, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I wish I could help you, but I feel exactly the same and I don't know how to fix it. I've had passive suicidal thoughts for years, and recenttly it has become so overwhelming I'm fed up with sorting myself out.
I try to exercise, try to eat healthily, but sometimes the stress is so bad that I cannot do those things so it feels like this is my fault. Do you try to exercise? Last time I went for a run in the morning it turned into my worst day (it wasn't directly related, but the fact I ran instead of worked meant I had less time to sort my work problems). I stopped trying after that but I know I should be getting out.
I don't have anyone to speak to either. I'm scared of what they will think and I don't like asking for help. I cannot talk on the phone about it so I just found this website, this is as close as I can get.
Knowing there are other people who feel like me, it kind of helps to feel normal, but I don't want anyone else feeling like this. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't. I hope you get the help you need.
@ambitiousCherry2889 I feel like it's too much for people to want to talk about because the word suicide is involved, but I don't seem to be suicidal enough for the hotline to care.
I tried some basic strength training thinking if I can't feel strong mentally, maybe I can feel strong physically, but there are too many days lately where I just don't have the energy or the motivation to do it. I can completely understand where you are coming from feeling like you have to spend every moment focused on the problem or it makes you feel like you're not working hard enough to solve it. Those moments when I try to distract myself with something else I just spend the entire time thinking that I should be focused on my problems.
I've let my anxiety drive away my friends and they feel more like acquaintances. I just feel alone all the time. I feel like I'm failing at life right now. Like everything is just too hard and I don't know how to deal with it. Like you, I can't talk on the phone about it. I actually used the online chat when I contacted them and even then it was hard to talk about and I was afraid to say too much.
I definitely understand how difficult all of this can be and I'm sorry you feel this way. I feel like coming to this site is a step in the right direction and I hope you find what you need here.