Controlling parents messed me up?
I'm 24 and I already feel like my life is pretty much ruined. I was a good girl as an only child, a good daughter, stayed out of trouble and always did what I was told. The thing is, obedience got me nowhere in life. LITERALLY. My mom wanted me to major in English and pretty much made that decision for me. I wanted to act, I wanted a career in film/media/entertainment or art and she said there's "no future" in anything I ACTUALLY WANT to do. My best friend said an English degree is basically nothing. Now I"m thinking back on my life and questioning... was I pretty much imprisoned and sculpted into what my mother thought was "appropriate"? I feel like I'm not even a person, like I'm a possession. I was never allowed ANY freedom, autonomy, choices etc. and I'm still not, she keeps tabs on my bank account that's linked with hers, tells me what to say in my doctor's appointments and even comes in with me to change the subject and make me forget what I was gonna ask the doctor, tells me how to navigate my therapy sessions (thank god for community college benefits though am I right?)???? It feels like she's trying to live my life for me as she sees fit and doesn't think I'm a human being with thoughts or an identity. Everything is about school/work, if I EVER say anything that doesn't involve either, she'll not react or say anything or pretend she didn't hear or make some noncommittal passive humming noise. I feel like I was cheated out of so many normal, healthy experiences of being young. I still had to follow a "dress code" well into my early 20's and she still dictates what I can and can't wear, etc. and I feel like my youth has been wasted. I still live with her because I'm unemployed, had a job for a while but I had to quit to save my hearing because I was exposed to dangerous sound levels that damaged me and I chose my health but now she's even telling me where to apply for jobs, like I can't even decide what kind of job I want and I feel like she's cosmically screwed me over by not letting me have an identity or any freedom. I"m just sad and upset and "move out" isn't an easy answer because I can't right now. Again, no friends/family to help. But has anyone else had to deal with this kind of thing? I feel like all my dreams are crushed, the prime of my life has passed and I'm falling behind. I feel like it's too late for me to be happy because I can't even be myself. I grew up needing my mom's approval with every step I took and it's hard to give MYSELF permission to push past that and make a decision as an adult and functional human being. I'm just really sad lately. I feel like I'm still figuring out who I am because I was never given the chance to explore that, and that the best of times have been missed out on.
@stydia
See if your mom stopped you forcefully from doing something then it's bad. But exploring the passion doesn't has to do anything what parents say... Whatever and how much parents say but if you really are determined you can make then understand and choose your path. It's not good to blame for not exploring yourself. If they have hindered u from doing something then it's sad. If there were some circumstances due to which it happened then blame life but see now you got vision now you can do anything.... You have opportunities. You have life. You can do anything... Steering is still there in your hand..
@intelligentCoconut2059 It's different, my mom did forcefully stop me. I was still a teen when I started community college, people in my town don't hire teenagers so I couldn't have afforded it and she would only fund a career she approved of. She didn't let me explore anything I liked, she didn't let me dress the way I wanted. Now she won't even let me spend my own money in my bank account and it just crushes me that I've been so restricted, beaten down and micromanaged. Everything has to be her way, she has temper tantrums at people, it's like she's given me no space to develop a personality because that would be unacceptable. It's like she can't even have ONE conversation with me without telling me what to do, calling the shots of my life or giving me directions. She wants my life run a certain way, by her word and she doesn't want me to deviate from that or expect me to. I'm getting depressed.
I don't know what it's like to be controlled like that. I'm sorry it's happening to you. It sounds like you might have to set boundries and start taking control for yourself though. I have a couple ideas, but I don't know if they'll help...
LIke I said, I don't really know how having someone control me feels, but I want to help.
Is there a place you could go without your mom to apply for jobs? Maybe a library, or a community center? You could look for jobs you're interested in without her interfereing.
Maybe you could secretely write down what you want to talk to your therapist about. Give it to your therapist if you have a chance. That way your mom can't take it away without seeming like a huge jerk. The same thing might work at a doctor's appointment.
I hope something works out for you.
@BlueBetta She's not coming with me to my doctor's appointment today, the weird thing is I don't mind her being there as long as she stays quiet and listens because I feel like she wouldn't believe me otherwise. I know what I wanna talk about with my therapist for sure, I feel like she's crushed the spirit out of me and because of her strict rules, I'm overly submissive, an omega type, no voice or familiarity with being assertive because I'm so used to being silenced and walked on. I'm trying to overcome that and take my life back and become my own person. It's so hard, though, when you're literally not allowed to even at 24 because your parents keep you hidden away and trapped like an animal in a cage to control and regulate you as they see fit. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a person, but more like a possession.
@stydia It sounds like it is hard. Just take it in small steps. Hopefully something will work out for you soon.
I hope your doctor's appointment goes well later.
@BlueBetta The appointment went well! I actually grew two inches (what? This late in my life, twenties?) and my ovarian cyst should dissolve in a few months. What bothers me now is that I'm never home alone and I'm wondering if my mom especially arranges it so either she or dad are always at home with me at all times. If she's at work, dad's home and vice versa. Is this babysitting, overparenting, harassing? Does she not trust me to be alone at 24? I can understand if I were 9, but...
@stydia I'm glad your doctor's appointment went well. Not being home alone sounds kind of frustrating... Is there a way you could work out why? They could be doing it to control you more, or it could have nothing to do with you. Sometimes work schedules just change. But, you know your situation better than I do, so I might be totally wrong here.
@stydia At 24, it's perfectly okay to not know who you are or what you want to be, etc. Plenty of people who are older still don't know, even if they had way more freedom.
That said, it does sound like your mom really was a little more controlling than I've ever heard and your frustration is understandable. But you shouldn't think it's "too late" or you're "too old" or anything like that. You may need a longer adjustment period, the learning curve might be a bit steeper, you may need to be more emotionally cautious, etc.
But it is not too late. Not at all.
