Dealing With Depression. Any Thoughts?
I thought I would be afraid or doubtful perhaps, of talking about my problems on here, but this place feels safe, unbiased by the fact that nobody on here knows who I am in person or can judge from their experience of me. I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this silent battle taking place in my head, that beyond the calamity and confusion jostling for space in my mind, here is a blank page, where inevitably I may be able to find peace and a conclusion.
I have not been fighting depression that long, but in a way the newness of it makes it even more terrifying and difficult to deal with. For me, I feel separated from a world I normally enjoy and would run out into with arms flailing wildly exclaiming that time in the sunshine and an ice cream would be the best way forward. But here I am, and I sit behind a locked door and closed curtains, clutching a bag with crystals in it, hoping to absorb some positive energy from them. At least this way, my thoughts of killing myself have subsided.
If you haven't read my previous post in the Life Story section, then I need to briefly tell you that I am this way because I am the victim of narcisisstic abuse performed by my parents for a prolonged and vital stage in my development. Such is the severity of their work that I am also struggling with identifying normal ways of life, normal communication, normal people. I question everything; "is this safe?" "are these people truthful or just being nice to me so they can get something out of me?"; the feeling of paranoia is overwhelming. Now, with realization of my abuse and how it has affected me, I have moved on, planting my feet firmly in new soil, but it is hard. I feel every step is a burden, that perhaps I should turn back, and it is here that depression set in. It has consumed me recently, making me feel downtrodden and unwilling to go and do the things I most enjoy such as go to the yard outside of the city, or go for a walk. I am obsessed with how I will look to other people and even when told I look fine and don't look bad in any way, I still won't go out. I cry randomly throughout the day, and I am never quite sure where these tears have come from, only that they are now streaming down my face and I am curled up with my crystals in my pocket.
I would just like to know, how others have dealt with depression, what were your techniques of facing it and living with it? How long does it take for you to start feeling normal? How long before the feelings of self-loathing and doubt, and maybe suicidal diminish? I want to live a free and simple life, with my girlfriend and free from any further abuse, but I am constantly worried. It doesn't help that my parents tried to phone and tell me that they would call the Police on my girlfriend and have her restrained whilst they packed my things and took me back. Now I jump at every sound of a car outside or a person with a similar voice/tone. That is why I keep my door locked at all times, why I sit in the dark and miss looking out of the window. Of course, I know now that they cannot do that without getting arrested themselves, but the aura from it still hangs thick like a fog and I am constantly nervous.
I feel lost. Floating like a black cloud and heavy.
For me it never stops
Yeah, life cansuck. But there's nothing worth worrying over if it's not in your control. I'm just saying, if you're allow an idea to get you down (as opposed to just feeling that way for no particular reason, which is characteristic of having depression), it's partly on you.You're hit with more adversity and your only option is to be strong. As they say, get busy living or get busy dying - it's the same with mentality, although we are all hit with sad times (whatever life throws at us), we ultimately control our thoughts and therefore the power to change our perspective as well. To, perhaps, over-simplify a very difficult thing to do, when feeling negativeyou just need to kind of tell yourself that you are wrong - That whatever train of thought that's getting you down is either incorrect, false, faulty in some way, or just weak minded. Insult the very idea of [negativity]and know in your heart that it's wrong to think that way EVERY TIME IT COMES TO MIND (in caps because consistency is everything). Again, it may be an over-simplification, but kill the bad ideas and garden the good ones - that's what it is to be strong, to recognize what does you no good and throw it away. Is it easy to just take the good and discard the bad? No way! But either you are thinking ideas to justify feelings or you are thinking ideas to discredit your feelings. In the immortal words: Do or do not. There is no try,
@TeaCake I'm realizing perhaps I didn't answer your core question about how others treat depression and how long it takes! That's because the answerdepends ? on what kind of depression you're in, and how you treat your symptoms.It's like a wound; how quickly it heals depends on its size and depth, if it's festered and if you clean it and apply ointmentand bandages.
However, to attempt to give yousome indication, it sounds like you may be in a kind of grief right now. Noone'sdied, but your previous life hasin a traumatic way, including your old relationship with your family.You have all these lingering thoughts, doubts and feelings from it, about it,and you're not quite sure yethow to move on. It's understandable that you'd be feeling symptoms of griefor loss right now. That can indeed trigger depression, and you may also have some anxieties from your previous situation. It may be best to talk with a therapist to figureout exactly where you're at.
Feelings of griefcould taper off in just a few months, or six, or overa year's time. I would anticipate it as a gradual diminishing, not overnight, so pleasedon't feel like you're failing to adjust if you don't feel better consistently (or like yourself) for awhile, e.g. if feelings of sadness fadebut creepback up on you a fewtimes. Over time, grief will subside.
In the meantime, there are many ways people help themselvesthrough depression, and hopefully prevent it fromextendingthe grief you're coping with. One way is to distract yourself from sadness and negative thoughtswith healthy activities that improve your life, movingyou forward in a way that's meaningful to you. If you steadily work towarda simple goal or two that you have (e.g.improving your skill in the kitchen, or jogging farther, learning more about something you value, etc.), that may make you feel better and be anaffirming, confidence-buildingactivityfor you.Have you thought of some activities you might enjoy, to build a schedule to keep yourself occupied?
Working through these things some people find it important tosurround themselveswithsupportive people who enhance their positive thinking and feelings ? basically no one like or sympathetic to your mother who may needlessly insult you or bring you down with a lack of caring or understanding. You're tough, you've been strong, but people who are negative toward you may be somewhat vampiric to you right now.You have a right to rebuild your personal reserves and esteembefore facingthose kinds of attitudes again, if you choose.
To balance negatives and stress, some peopleseekhumor in life;it may seem silly, but people and things that make you laugh may be healing for you or at least give you moments where you canrelax and enjoy positive thoughts. Further to that, another way to cope would be tryingcognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), to help you learn to challenge and defeat negative thought spirals you may be having.
Overall, if you're havingserious difficulty with being active, feeling any positivity or relaxing, or if you simply cannot get away from negative thoughts or people impacting your life, you don't need to suffer alone ? seeing a therapist can give you some support and help you get to the bottom of what methods will work best for you, so you can feel like yourself andenjoy life again.
Personally, while coping with my depression,I started with positive indoor activities (like learning to bakewith my boyfriend) while doing cognitive behavioral therapy.Then I gradually felt motivated enoughto move my activities outside (I knew running would make me feel stronger), and eventually joined some regularsocial activities/meetupsin my area related to my interests, to startfeeling comfortable (less doubt)around people again. But my path, or anyone else's, isn't necessarily yours. I hope you've seen some options here that will help you decide what will work best for you.
