Depressed & confused about it.

Hello everyone. Im a new user and despression is some thing that really didnt hit my until maybe 5 years ago and I dont understand why.

A little background of what has happened in my life. I didnt graduate from high school with my graduation class due to very poor choices I made when I was in my teens. 5 years later though I did go back and get my GED, which still makes me feel stupid and I do think poorly of myself for not graduating when I should have. Next fall I will be furthering my education. If any one is wondering what degree Im planning for, Im going for water waste technology which is a branch of environmental engineering and I can honestly say Im both excited and cant wait.

The next thing, which is my most tragic & traumatic experience in my life is my father past away whe. I was 8 years old. He died at the age of 34 of a heart attack and it took me almost 20 years to accept & I know Im still not completely over it. I cannot talk about my dad with any one in my life with out having the overwhelming feeling of just breaking down and crying, so as you may guess I dont talk about him. This includes talking about him with family members.

Now a little background about me and whats going on in my life right now. Im 32 years old and two years ago I purchased my first home. If you were to go back in time 10 years and ask me where I think Id be in life a home owner would be the last thing on my list. Heres where Im confused. I know Im not the only person who feels like this. I dont even understand why I feel the way I do. I have been blessed to have one of the most loving and caring families(well, on my moms side which is the side Im closer to) a person could ask for. The support and help i get from them is some thing I really am grateful for, but I still cant get over feeling worthless and unneeded. Which causes me to push people away at times. One thing Im not proud of is I havent had a serious relationship in over 10 years now. This isnt counting one night stands, which Ive slowed down on cause sex isnt as important to me as happiness is. I know how to talk to people and engage them, but the feeling of why would they want to know about me? Whats so special about me? is what keeps me from finding that one special girl in my life. In fact, I dont even bother trying to get in to a relationship due to feeling that Im not worth the time or effort. This also gave me the bad habit to automatically think some one I dont know is a POS, but this isnt what I believe and I always treat every one man or woman with the kindness and respect I was taught and its very rare for me to be mean to some one. Though I dont put up with peoples BS and I will stand up for myself if some one tries to pick on me.

Thats just a brief summary I guess. Now Im not suicidal cause I couldnt even imagine the amount of pain it would cause my mom having to lose her first husband and her only child. I have thought about if I am suicidal, but the answer I always get and the answer that makes the most sense is no.

Thank you to any one and every one who replies. My family and friends dont even know I feel this way and it does make me feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed.