Depression advise

I suffer from depression. Where does this all consuming depression stem from?

When I was about 10 I think my two older brothers used to organise fights for me with the neigbours son. He was older and bigger than me, and I have never understood someone's delight in violence.

My father was a perfectionist, and hated seeing anything being done that was not 100% correct. Now I understand why, but at the time I didn't know why he would continually make remarks like, 'you're an idiot', 'leave it alone, you're going to mess it up', etc. Hardly an environment to inspire confidence.

I often recall my father and brother teasing me together. I recall them sniggering together at me because I was wearing a tracksuit top I qualified for in representative swimming. I guess it was their way of bonding, but surely taking your son fishing is healthier.

It was clear that my father had a favourite son. At least there did come a point in my late teens where I stopped trying to seek his approval or really care what he thought of me anymore.

When I was a child, my mother took me to the doctor because my father said I slept too much. Was this to escape reality?

My mother was a hands on mother who genuinly loves her children. However I do recall thinking that she too had her favourite, my middle brother. Even though I do often recall feeling lonely and not good enough, today I genuinely believe our mother loved us equally and I am grateful to her for raising us. This is ironic, because today I do feel resentment towards her for bringing me into the world, which I will touch on later.

I have suffered from insomnia since I can remember. I went to somone who does reiki to see if they could help. The man I saw I thought to be pretty insightful. He said the insomnia stems from the loss of my twin brother. I honestly don't know because I was too young to have any memories of him as he passed when we were babies.

I think I had a pretty standard childhood though because every child has their good and bad times.

Two of the happiest times in my life was when I moved away. I went to university in a city far from home. I loved the feeling of freedom and independence. The feeling that a weight lifted off me. Secondly I went to live abroad with a group of close friends. Funny, I have always felt closer to my good friends than anyone else. I also met my wife and we fell in love.

The birth of my son was the happiest time in my life, however this euphoria was short lived as my wife became terminally ill 4 months later. She passed away a year later.

I have never been able to speak to anyone about my wife's death. People don't want to know. I think it is sometimes easier to avoid anything that is uncomfortable.

2 years ago my father passed away. My brother moved from England to South Africa to run his business. He was having a lot of stress running the business. So I offered to move to South Africa to support and help him. I uprooted my son and moved him to a new country and new school. Since I helped my brother with a number of legal issues he had. He has chased me away from the business. I feel a deep sense of betrayal after making a huge sacrifice to support him.

Now have moved my son to a new country. I am struggling to find work and I am very stressed how I am going to support my son. I am considering moving back to England but moving my son from school to school is not a good idea imo. Anyway, that's not what I'm asking.

My question is, is my situation normal? Is it normal that my family always make me sad and I rather look to my friends for support? I thought family should support each other, but my whole life I have not felt like I have fitted in with my family. Is this normal?