Depression and love

Just need to let it out..

Movies usually tend to romantice relationships that don't quite fit, wheter someone isn't really, the timing is wrong or one is just one complete mess. The other person tends to still follow the other, they don't give up. It usually always ends wonderful. Even with the wrong timing somehow they always find back together.

There is absolutely nothing wonderful about loving someone you not you're not good for. Mentally.

i'm still a chaotic mess. I'm not sure if it's depression since I never went to a doctor for it.

But sometimes I sleep for days and no headspace seems to see the light and at times i eat everything i can find and sometimes I have nothing at all. not even water.to feel the emptiness.

Sometimes cleaning the apartment is too much of a burden to even think of and it takes weeks for one room.

I know my dreams but i stop myself. Everything seem to be a lot.

It's absolutely not wonderful to feel good in somebody's present, to feel safe and the coziness, the confidence, the laughter and the absolute fear but also having the certainty once that person takes a closer look they will run.

Of course they will. I don't want to bring all the mess in somebody's life when all they bring me is peace. How unfair.

It breaks my heart. He is on my mind all the time.

You're supposed to have yourself and your life together by 23 right ?

Somehow i can't seem to manage it very well, always everything ends so chaotic. Though I'm trying.